Do you BELIEVE You Are a "Runner"?

I've been listening to a new podcast. While I cannot relate to the tragedy this woman has experienced, and, often, I find her ramblings annoying, my heart does go out to her. I DO, however, strongly relate to some of the issues she speaks about as a runner.

She is a relatively new runner, as I feel I am as well. She never participated in sports when she was growing up. Neither did I. She had NO idea what she was doing when she first started; same for me. She has body issues. I do as well.

Both of our starts were "extreme" with advancements, newbie mistakes and frustrations. Because of the  lack of an athletic foundation in youth, we have both floundered with finding "resolve" in considering ourselves "good" at running, despite tremendous personal advancements.

Then came her comments about the struggle of calling herself a "runner." This struck a chord with me. I struggled with this "title" for years. I was waiting for that "moment" when I would FEEL like a "RUNNER." Years passed and I never felt comfortable calling myself this. I would say "I run," or the self-deprecatingly worse comment: "I TRY to run." I chased "distances" hoping titles of "1/2 Marathoner" or "Marathoner" would make me FEEL like I was a runner. I did not despite finishing those distances.

I once thought pace defined a runner. I was told (by a non runner) that "running" was a 9 minute pace or faster. When I achieved a 9 minute pace & shared this, I was told, by the same person, that an 8 minute pace was "running." I was heartbroken as I had chased (and failed to reach) to define myself with another person's definition of what a "runner" was -and then the definition was changed. (He had no comment when I told him I hit 7 minute/mile paces.) -Then, I had an epiphany: Running 8 minute miles is SLOW compared to local runners that run 6 or 7 minute miles. If they tout that THEY are runners & people slower than them are "joggers" or "not runners" does the same rule apply to them when comparing them to Shalane Flanagan? Is SHE not considered a runner because she is slower than some male runners or other elite females? No one in their right mind would deny she is a "runner." -Clearly, a PACE wasn't a definition to being a "runner," either. Pace is TRULY relative.

SO: I had finished the distances of numerous half marathons and a marathon and didn't feel the definition of "runner" applied to me, yet. My pace had improved; but, I still didn't feel comfortable with the "title" of "runner." While I realized that a "runner" is simply a person that tries to run despite pace or an occasional walking break, in the back of my mind, that definition applied to everyone else- not to me.

After hearing that podcast, I relived my journey. I heard this woman relate her similar struggle; but, I was curious about other people. After the podcast, I asked the question on our local running group's Facebook page and the responses were favorable and supportive. Many said that finishing a certain distance helped them feel like a runner. Others said: running with others made them feel like a runner, following a training plan or meeting a time goal/pace helped them FEEL like a runner. Returning to running after an injury helped one person realized what she loved.

Overwhelming, however, I, personally, related to comments from a woman named Kendra. She stated: "...I don't do it for the love of running, I do it because I WANT to love it and because I love the way I feel when I'm done... But I do love a challenge and I love the sense of accomplishment afterward." (Did you notice how many times she used the word "love?" I noted that she didn't use the word "like" or "tolerate." She was tying a strong emotion to the sport.)  While this triathlete is MORE than capable of running, she noted stirring an emotional attachment to the sport. When I asked if she felt like an "ATHLETE" there was notable e-silence, then her answer: "...I had to really think about this one. My first instinct was to say no because, instinctively, my brain thinks of people who played sports in school or professionals, or the amateurs who are really fast. My brain had a really hard time wrapping around the concept of 'myself' and 'athlete' in the same sentence. After really thinking about it, I guess I still feel the need to tie the word 'athlete' to competition. So while I struggle with actually saying it out loud, the fact that I compete in races, worry about my finish times/speed, and keep trying to improve versus just exercising for my health, makes it okay, in my mind, to call myself an athlete. I am always comparing myself to other people and often get frustrated and somewhat give up when I can't seem to get any faster or any stronger. I often feel like the joke in the crowd, which adds to my inability to truly consider myself an 'athlete'." -Finally! Someone that felt the same way as myself and has come to the same conclusions! 

I found that those that were exposed to sports at a young age found less discomfort at calling themselves a "runner" or "athlete" while those that may have started sports later in life (me), or may not be as athletically "gifted" (me, again), found the title more uncomfortable to accept. I also feel that the journey of running (or any pursued sport) sparks many to continually chase better performances. It is the carrot that keeps us coming back. It is the elusive pursuit of bettering oneself that gets us on the road or track or treadmill when we "don't" want to... because... we really DO want "to." Comparison steals our joy (to oneself or to others); yet, comparison lights the fire that keeps us training. This whole journey of improvement is a process. It is a Yin-Yang, a love-hate, a Tango, a roller coaster of emotion, sometimes. It is a process that humbles us and allows us to be our own biggest cheerleader. It gives us confidence, strength (mentally and physically) and brings us in tune with our bodies.

So "when" did I feel comfortable calling myself a "runner?" It's when I gained CONFIDENCE. My confidence has come through time and a record of more consistently hitting goals. I had floundered in the past and my performance was extremely inconsistent. Confidence has come as I've started to gain control of my worrisome negative talk, performed better & performed consistently. Confidence has come as I've joined a training group and surrounded myself with encouraging people all struggling to better themselves as well. When I realized struggling wasn't a sign of failure, I realized it was part of the process, I was more patient with myself. Confidence came when I started wearing running clothes that I love and that made me look and FEEL like a strong runner. Never underestimate how strength can make you feel and perform. "Confidence" was the common thread in the comments on Facebook. Whether the confidence came from community or from within themselves when achieving a personal goal, people became confident that they WERE a runner.

My journey is still rocky. I revert back to saying, "I run" rather than calling myself a "runner;" but, I may be personally harsh. I found comfort in the many positive comments from my fellow Toledo Roadrunner Community members.

Austin said: "A runner is someone who seeks improvement." -I appreciated that he did not reference pace-- but mentality. One person's race pace may be another person's "jog." I equate it to "effort."

Alisha stated: "I think you're a runner if you enjoy running on a regular basis." 

Ryan commented: "If you run on a regular basis, you're a runner. Whether it's short, long, fast, or slow; it's all running. I think the term 'athlete' would be a bit more specific. 'Athletes' train, while, perhaps, 'runners' exercise. You can run for the sake of running, and love every minute of it, but the 'athlete' term comes when you invest in a progressive training plan to gradually improve performance. Again, this is independent of speed, distance, etc." -WOW! I LOVED his comment!

Toni summed it up perfectly: "I believe you are a runner the minute you discover that you love to run." -Whether you love to run or love the challenge of the sport, if you keep coming back, even when it isn't "favorable," there is some kind of love involved. 

Finally, Tom shared that he was a runner: "When I learned to stand on two feet." -Nature versus Nurture comes to mind with this statement. -Some are naturally "gifted" with a good stride or biomechanics. Some were encouraged to run in organized sports as young children. Some of us were discouraged to participate in sports when we were younger and may not have a "perfect" cadence. It's the pursuit of improvement that unites us. In either case, cultivating good habits is never a waste of time, whenever we start. Activity and independence is vital to an emotionally happy life. Running is a sport that brings numerous people, locally, together. Whatever your pace or distance you are currently cultivating, keep up the pursuit. Eventually, you will confidently call yourself a true runner.

Epiphany, today: as I saw Jillian struggle but still work through this semester, my heart hurt. She was overwhelmed with organizing, transitioning & the new learning style of college. It was no longer "memorizing facts" but learning "concepts" & being prepared to answer "what if" questions. I couldn't help. I wasn't in her classes & couldn't help her study, organize or prepare. She fell behind but kept showing up. Eventually, we applied for Trio. This is a program at UT that will follow her through her college years "helping" in whatever way an individual student may need assistance. Some students may need help transitioning to the U.S. culture if they are from another country. Some students may need career counseling, financial counseling, assistance with housing or food. Jillian is taking advantage of the tutoring program. I cannot tell you what a relief it is to see her smile after finishing homework with her tutor. When she said, "It was fun doing the math with him," I was floored! Chemistry formulas fun?! I tried to stress to her that she CAN do the work. She sometimes needs assistance deciphering directions. Often, she struggles more with trying to figure out "what" they want versus "doing" the work.

As we sat in the parking lot before heading to her exam, I caught myself praying. I remembered the phrase: "There are no atheists in the trenches." I wished I could influence an A for her effort-- then I caught myself. How would that benefit her? How would getting a job with a degree that she didn't earn help her? I realized this is why we didn't home school. There must be some struggle & influence aside from a sheltered home or your kid will never be able to function outside of home. I realized, "What good is an A in a homeschooled chemistry course if I kept taking out the struggle so she didn't really learn chemistry?"

I then realized even if she failed, she could use what she learned as a base & take the class, again. Isn't that what I've done with races? I've completely fallen apart during high (self-imposed) stressful situations. I learned, reworked a plan & tried again. I realized why I hated the idea but felt the need to race. I needed someone's unbiased course/event/situation to show myself & prove to others that I had been doing the work. I wasn't pampering myself or lying about my abilities. I would be getting true, raw feedback of my abilities.

I realized then, that our girls will be just fine. As parents, our responsibility is to protect our kids from the world but not shelter our kids from the world. A parent's job is to prepare their kids for the world. I don't mean a cold world of hard knocks by pushing them into the deep end of the pool & telling them that they had better learn to swim fast or drown. I don't mean screaming at them out of frustration. Not even adults like that. -I mean teaching communication skills, reasoning skills, organizational skills, domestic skills, trying to juggle work & recreation, respect...

Again, I realized:
our girls are going to be alright.

I've been doing solo miles a lot this training cycle. It's just the way the schedule landed this time. After the Churchill's 1/2 marathon, I did a 5K with Jim; but, most miles since then, have been in solitude. For the most part, I don't mind; but, it gets kind of lonely when I am by myself all of the time. -My old training group still stays in touch via group messaging. There are regular invitations for weekend group runs; but, it would mean getting up early, driving farther than my beloved Oak Openings & being "social." I've said 'no' on numerous occasions. Today, though, three other women from my group talked about coming. They are strong & positive. I "got over myself" & my social nerves. I hauled myself over there. One runner changed her mind for a total of 5 Yetis meeting, this morning. Everyone was cold but smiling. We chatted the ENTIRE time about cold gear necessities, races, Disney races, our MIT schedule & upcoming coaches. 7 miles passed quickly.

Two of us did 7 miles. 3 did 9 miles, together, & one kept going to finish 18 miles! She is prepping for a Disney marathon. She spoke of her friend doing the Dopey Challenge. This is a WEEKEND of races: a 5K, 10K, 1/2 marathon & full marathon in 4 days. "Are you doing the Dopey Challenge?" I asked. "No, I'm just doing the marathon." -I literally laughed out loud. I often say, "I 'only ran' XXX miles." I have never said, "I only did the marathon." This is not unique, though. Many trail races I've participated in have had races ranging from: 5K, 5 miles, 10K, 1/2 marathon, marathon, 50K, 50 miler, 100K & 100 miler over a long weekend. I've "only done" the shorter races. I realized how "silly" it sounded to undercut such an accomplishment.

It was "only" 7, for me, today. I say "only" in comparison to mileage I've done in the past- not in comparison to what others did, today. It felt awkward but good to be around others, talking about overcoming injuries, short term as well as long term plans we each had in the works.

We followed the slogan on my shirt: Run Happy... & before we knew it, we were done. I'm adding a mile or two, next weekend as I build my base, again. Taking a break has been good. I was starting to feel a bit burned out; but, now, it's time to start stoking the fire, again.



Outside winter running: prevents cabin fever &  makes the miles & months appear to go by faster. Before you know it winter will be "done." Get out & enjoy winter running at your local Metroparks. Soon Spring will be here. Embrace the cold... & then the heat. Spring races are just around the corner.

"As you wish..."

This was the line the 'poor farm boy' told Buttercup in the movie The Princess Bride. He was so smitten with her, he gave her demands precedence over anything he was doing. He did her will and gave her total preference over his own free will in life.  In the Bible, it was stated that 'the spirit left the people' when they had emotionally given up.

Why am I sharing this? There comes a time, that you care about someone so much, you give them precedence over your own desires. If there is frustration or anxiety, sometimes it can be so overwhelming, you can emotionally "shut off." I suspect it's a coping/survival mechanism.

The last few days have been emotional, to say the least. I was upset, frustrated & anxious. When I realized I had (honestly) little control, my spirit went out.

Today: I could do my morning routine of school drop offs, then climb back into bed for a bit (which I seriously considered) -OR- I could get my butt moving & change my mood. I had no desire to do anything but worry & mope. I missed my husband, my kids... my sister. I wanted to change my mood... but DIDN'T want to change my mood. -I KNEW I needed to change it. No one wants to be around a mopey downer.

I knew trail running would fix it. Road running allows my mind to wander & plan. When you trail run, you are "only in the present." You need to pay attention to tree roots, terrain and obstacles. You are constantly making quick decisions so you don't trip and fall. It's a good way to momentarily "put down" emotionally heavy weights & responsibilities, then pick it all back up when you're done. I did.

I came home smelling of cold, fresh air. The smell of "wind" permeated my clothing, my hair, even my skin. My mood had softened but not left entirely. I got cleaned up, had lunch & finished high school to college transportation.

I texted my sister, made plans & told her I love her. I saw my husband & kids. I was quiet, tried not to cry but told them I loved them as I hugged them, individually. My husband loves me. My kids love me. My sister loves me. I'm content with that strong core. It's enough to tell them: "As you wish..."

I didn't want to go to the race, tonight. It's the beginning of the month & I haven't finished billing. Jim worked, yesterday, & his legs were shot. We had a lot of excuses why it would be easier to stay home... but the good thing about paying ahead of time: not wanting to lose your money & you tend to go. :)  I knew we would have fun once we started. I knew we would see smiling faces; &, I knew they would be memories for myself & Jim. --I had SO much fun. We were trotting a slow pace. At the end, Jim sprinted from an 11 min mile to an 8:30! He was NOT going to shake me! I stayed right with him & we were laughing at the end. I know it's best not to pass him; so, I stay close. He is getting tired of not placing in his age group. I suspect he will be focusing on speed, now. I'm super excited!

I tell people that there used to be a time I would whine & belly ache that I was "doing this all alone." Now, Jim is out there with me. I stay with him on the course. Sometimes, I think about taking off; but, there are other races I get to truly race. I am glad when we finish, together-- always. We get to talk on the course & see the same things & talk about them, later. Knowing we're together beats any little trinket as an age group award; HOWEVER, if it's a gift certificate award... that may be a different set of rules. ;)

We saw people we knew, took photos, talked to fellow runners on the course & walked around afterwards.  It was fun telling people that I "dressed" Jim, today, & watch their reaction. Honestly, running with someone else in costume gives me more confidence to do so. I STILL get embarrassed showing up in a "loud" outfit. Wearing those silly outfits makes for such fun & happy memories, afterwards. It was a great date.

Now that we are back home, paper work is still on my desk & Jim's football game is on his DVR. I hear him calling to the football game on the tv as I type about our date. A  few hours, together, makes the daily grind bearable, again. Now, where was I...?

I've been resting. I've been giving myself permission to get caught up on stuff around the house or do "nothing." I've trotted low miles & explored/planned 2018's race schedule. I am looking at marathons, 1/2 marathons, Ultras, trail races, destination races & duathlons. Until the girls are independent, I'm thinking local races are in the cards, only.

Marathon training starts Jan 1st. Until then I've eaten candy from Halloween & cut back my miles. You guess what the outcome has been. 😳😮😫 No worries. It happens every year. Trails are dangerously covered, right now but they call me.

Today, however, Miracle on Main Street 5K, this afternoon, with Jim. I need to get work done before we head out. It will be a nice break, today.

As I reflect on yesterday, it wasn't just 5 miles. There were 2 water stations on the course. "It's only 5 miles. Who needs water for 5 miles?" The thought quickly came & left. "When did 5 become 'only'?"

We did Jim's pace. He is slower than he used to be before his illness. We categorize our life, now, "before Jim got sick" & "after Jim got better." Jim poured over his numbers, yesterday. His age group ranking, his overall ranking, total number of runners, fastest in his age group, etc. It can be torture, sometimes.

Jim ran a few seconds slower than, last year--BUT-- he is a good 20 pounds heavier and stronger than last year! The ease & feeling of overall strength he had when he crossed the finish line is also to be taken into consideration. Numbers don't tell the whole story. My time doesn't show I was running with Jim. My time doesn't show I was high-5'ing every police officer & saying thank you. My time doesn't say I was taking pictures & waving to little kids on the bus as I was in my Pocahontas outfit- running next to a "politically incorrect" costumed Pilgrim. I waited for people to say something. No one did until the finish. An older man approached Jim & said he liked his outfit "now, when everything has to be politically correct." Jim said, "It's okay. I married a little Indian" then points to me. "Oh, all right!" the old man says. -Ewwww! We weren't trying to be political; but, I guess we were expecting to "stir the pot." Most people didn't say anything. What could they say? Clearly Jim is "the white man" & I AM Indian. We ran together; &, we make it work.

Did we dress up to celebrate Thanksgiving? Some people will say so. I love the idea that I have some connection to the idea of a trail running, Disney Indian. Some pointed out to me that she was likely a child bride- unlike Disney portrays. I have no doubt that is true. I have not researched it. Little known shocker, though: it is still practiced, today. Child brides are common in places where girls don't have access to education. Where girls don't have access to education, what else "are" they but property and a tool to grow & sustain a family. This is why we feel so strongly about our daughters receiving an education. They may CHOOSE to someday marry... or not... but they will not NEED to be dependent on anyone in their life. (Clearly my pet peeve-- but I'm going off topic.)

Back to the subject of our first world Turkey Trot race: I didn't celebrate holidays growing up. Part of me feels like I'm breaking a law as I dress up for a race. I'm still not officially celebrating holidays; but, I'm not pretending they don't exist anymore. I'm not refusing to utter the holiday's name. And clearly, yesterday, I dressed as an Indian- associated with Thanksgiving traditions. I just wanted to be Pocahontas; and, if people wouldn't look at me weird, I'd do it more often. (I'm ready to bust this outfit out for a Disney race! 💕) Can you imagine me wearing this at Oak Openings on the Yellow/Scout Trail? 😂😆😂😆

I did my first, solo, Turkey Trot (not dressed in costume) 3 years ago. When Jim was sick & we were visiting Cleveland Clinic. I needed to run & didn't know the area. What better way to get a run in but follow the arrows & not be alone during a challenging time? Jim's Atheist step mom (her own words) was making a meal. She is kind & did not make me feel pressured to celebrate "anything" other than have a meal after Jim's doctor appointment. It was the first time I had been part of such a large meal. No prayer was said. No religion was discussed. I felt awkward but included. We came back into town the following year. This time Jim & I both dressed as Indians. We had so much fun & the group smiled at our outfits. -This year, the big meal was cancelled in Euclid. Jim & I had already paid for the race so we went, anyways. There were almost 9,000 runners! It was crazy & an adventure that I share with my little "white man." (Jim asked me to revise this as "my little, white Polack. -Living "dangerously" & politically incorrect.) I hope to participate in this every year, now. Why? My motive: It's running! It's a large group of festive runners; &, I'm not running solo, anymore. There will always be a race I can RACE... but there aren't many opportunities to dress up in costume with my now healthy hubby & have fun. Running fun?! Yep! Another "never thought that would be true" fact.

I am grateful.

I have been saying for the past 2 years, "I am grateful..." I do not use those words, lightly. When you've been through hell, watching your family suffer, you are grateful for breathing on your own, walking unassisted, eating, driving, working, healthy enough to do housework, etc.

I don't need "Thanksgiving" to remind me to be thankful; but, I understand the sentiment. I am giving thanks EVERY day.

Chiropractor appointment today: pushing, rotating & pulling of my neck, back, legs & hips into alignment. Yowzas! I was still feeling tight when I left the office but "better." Then on the drive home my SI joint (the "T" where your spine & hips connect) "clunked." It was a sound like an old car with a bad transmission "dropping" & "clunking" into a different gear. It was MOST UNLADYLIKE; but a great relief. I am absolutely pain free & loose as a goose, right now. 

I told Dr. Poitinger about my 1/2 marathon & he assessed that "opening up my speed" on my declines was probably a lot of pounding on my body. 

I used to hate hills. Now,😂

I absolutely love them! The declines are the absolute best! I can truly fly... but I have to visit my mechanic, after I land.

Churchill's 1/2 Marathon race recap: I'm learning that if I have doubt in my abilities- which is always- I just say 'Whatever' & don't expect 'anything' except to finish. The pressure is "off." I believe 'no one is expecting anything great, now' & I seem to perform better. Today, I was expecting a 2:10 race.

(TMI) I was in a physical funk this week. It happens every month. My performance dips. My legs literally are so heavy I can't run. My breathing is off & I'm as tired as all get out. I call it my slog week. I read a book that explains it is a mid month hormonal dip & woman are prone to injuries, for about a three day slump. I just do what I can & then, like magic, the week ends & I can train, again. This is "slog week." I had absolutely no expectations for today's race. I considered NOT even showing up, earlier this week. I questioned if I would even finish. If my legs didn't work & I walked, I would get too cold & probably DNF. I thought 2:30 if I walk-ran. I thought 2:10 if I was able to move & trotted. I was tight & my left leg was giving me threats from the start. I just ran "yellow-orange." (Coach Jenny Hadfield talks about running in "color" which can shift depending on the course & other physical, daily limits. Yellow is easy. Orange is more effort & red is all out effort.) I ran Yellow-hitting-Orange, today. The official clock time said 2:02 when I finished but I didn't start when the clock started. We will see what the official time is, soon.

I walked a few steps at mile 10's incline & I ran 1/2 way up the hill at mile 12. I walked it to the top, ran the flat & ran the last overpass. I let gravity help, opened up & flew down the declines.

I have definitely become a stronger physical runner this year. I still have limited mental toughness. I have enough grit to show up for the fight; I just question all of the variables & how they will affect the final outcome. I err on the side of caution. That's not a pessimist; that's a realist.

The optimist in me signed up for the Spring Marathon in Training Group, again. I trained a year & saw significant improvements. Imagine what will happen, next year?! I had always hoped for a 2 hour 1/2 marathon. Now I am "there", regularly. THIS cycle, I want to regularly hit sub-2 hour races. It's possible... & I can't wait. I'll train for a full but will likely see the consistent results in my 1/2's. I'm good with that.

I saw my training group, Run Toledo Ambassadors and other friends at the start and finish. We encouraged & hugged each other. I'm getting the hang of this "socializing" thing.  

Today during the race, I thought: "only 6 more miles." Then I thought, "When did my mentality shift to the final 6 being easy-peasy-- especially during FUNK week, after my phone/music died in the cold?"  I'm not sure; but I like it. 😘 You just never know what race day will bring... but you'll never find out if you don't toe the line.

Epiphany this week: begging. I've always been a curt person. I have things to do & time schedules to keep. At work, a gentleman showed me a puzzle & asks, "How did we do it?" I examined it, made a few comments & said I didn't know. I was overly complimentary & polite, fully expecting the gentleman to then enlighten me. Instead he smirked a "superior" smile & asked again, with a taunting, "Can't figure it out?" I looked again, "No... but honestly, I don't really care." His smile quickly faded & he uncomfortably asked for & took the puzzle from my hand. He refused an explanation after this...

Scenario 2: a FB friend offers a code for a discount to a race. I don't respond right away because I need to check my calendar. I forget & ask, privately, later. "The codes are all gone," he responds in a PM. Later, again, he publicly announces, on FB that he received more codes, "Anyone interested?" I publicly say yes. Publicly, I am told I need to PM and ask for the code. What? I did, originally. I respond- publicly- & am told to ask a third time, privately. I think, 'What difference does it make?' I can see him PM'ing me a code after I ask. It may seem like just one more small step; but in my mind, it is me asking a third time-- begging? I publicly respond that I DID PM & he said 'no.' "PM me again, I just got new codes." Me: *thinking but not saying* "I'm not begging."

And that's when it hits me: the subject of begging & the thought of someone tauntingly holding something over my head like a bigger kid holding a smaller child's hat "just out of reach." Whether they realize it or not, it's a head game & I usually refuse to play.

As I dwell on this newly realized concept, I have the epiphany of how this has played into many other
life situations. My mother: she was expected to have a son to carry on the family name. (Inner turmoil: knowing SHE felt she "had" to have children until the male child was born.) In the Hispanic culture, girls are work horses, expected to grow & take care of their families. In some extreme cases, they are considered more like property than people- able to be traded and married off with little input. My mom made no secret that my brother was wanted & had he come first, she would have had no more kids. Do you know what that felt like growing up- knowing your sister and yourself just happened to be around because of birth order? Do you know what it feels like reflecting: "Well, at least she didn't give me up for adoption." That's what I'm grateful for?! I have numerous mommy-issues that I won't dwell on much more except that I finally realized, "I don't have to play the game." I don't want to perpetuate the game, either. My mom started the same "games" with our girls. I told her no & she didn't like that-- at all. One key difference: she smothered them with kisses & told them she loved them. I have yet to hear "love you or proud of you" from my mother. I can cry about it or just not play the game. I refuse to play the game.

Religion: the same principle applies in religion. If I was doing my all as a female, why should I beg & cry when I'm not given privileges because I'm not male? I just won't play the game if it won't go anywhere.

Our girls are NOT secondary citizens. I will NOT tell the girls- ours or others- not to try. I want any girl to think & become anything she works hard to achieve. AND-- our girls will know we love them, like them, WANTED them & support them as a human, being neither pro-male nor pro-female.

My eyes are wide open, nowadays. I play some games... other games, I'm boycotting. I'm not mad; I'm just picking different rules & a different team.

I've been injured so many times that I get nervous when a "niggle" persists longer than a couple of days. I assess: "Is it a decreasing-annoyance niggle or affecting-my-gait niggle?"

After my last 1/2 marathon & 10K weekend, I had a couple of niggles. I took some days off, cut back my mileage this past week & decided to try again, this week. One problem: running solo meant I was slacking, today, my first day "back," & considering bailing on Churchill's, next weekend. The negative talk started in my mind: "I am slow. I am fat. I had a fluke 'good' race. I am going to suck at Churchill's-- in front of everyone. People are going to see me walking..."

I considered selling my spot, today. I tried to get out for a run & couldn't. I was sure Churchill's would be the same. I would lack energy & mojo. Then-- there was a Yeti intervention. One of my coaches used our private group message to communicate our route & suggested head lamps. I hadn't run with the group in weeks because of racing & just easing back, afterwards. I didn't know what the reception would be. -I should not have doubted. Everyone is always smiling.

We started our tempo run & one woman asked if we could run through the graveyard on the way back. The group was enthusiastic- except me. I-am-a-chicken. I was out voted & we looped through on the way back. I wasn't scared. I would have preferred not to have gone through... but no one tried to scare me; so, it was all good.

We increased our pace & eased the pace through 6 miles. I just "hold on" during these work outs. I don't know what pace we are hitting or for how long. I trust our coaches for this. As we came up monument hill, I felt strong.

I don't know what Churchill's will bring. I may have a crappy race. I may have a great race. I do know one thing: I won't know unless I do it.

Running with company, tonight, made the miles a whole lot easier, much more fun & finally "done." The workout reminded me that my body is stronger than I think. Miles at Churchill's, here I come.

Today, I participated in a small race. It was a 1/2 marathon & their 5th year. This was my first time at this race because it is usually right after Detroit. I normally pick Detroit & can't seriously "race" two weekends in a row.

This year, however, I ran Chicago TWO weeks ago. There was no reason not to try.

I had three people asking if I was going to be there; so, the pressure to participate (& perform) were in my head.

There were 4 of us that talked about running together. We discussed pace. One changed her mind & ran solo-- then there were 3. I was going to stay with the group; but after Chicago, I needed to know what I could do. Eventually, the other 2 broke pace & I didn't slow down to stay with them. I was running solo since mile 6. I felt comfortable until mile 11. I only had 2 more miles. I broke pace to accommodate for shin splints.

I KNOW I heel strike. I know I need to lean. I know I need to kick back not reach forward with my "straight knees." I know I should engage my glutes. If I did... I wouldn't be cramping & would be doing faster times. "Doing" it all is a different story, however. When I do one of the list, I immediately feel my pace surge! I just mentally tire thinking of good form, if it isn't natural, & slip quickly into bad habits. 🙈

My time was 2:00 on the nose. This is a 1/2 marathon PR for me. I've run the distance faster; but, it was during a 25K-- so there's no record of it except on my Garmin. 😁

I am finishing my regiment of steroids & antibiotics from my food reaction in Chicago. I feel like I've gained 5 pounds! I'm too afraid to look but my tight clothes are confirming without a number.

The extra weight made today an unexpected surprise. A friend told me, today: "Dang you're fast! Look how much longer my legs are than yours. You just pick 'em up & put 'em down, fast!" She had no idea how much I appreciated hearing that. I focus so much on poor biomechanics, I forget: it's still a matter of how fast your cadence is, too. Apparently, these shortie legs excel at turning over. 😁 My little cartoon-spinner legs get me where I need to go-- some days faster than others.

However, a girl cannot live on cadence alone. 😁 Back to the drawing board. Churchill's is on deck, next.

Copied from Facebook- my race recap: 

EXPO: As Jim & I walked the almost 4 miles to the expo, we saw some pretty amazing things. We took some awesome photos & talked to some complete strangers. I saw a "monster" promoting a local Chicago race. I had to get a silly picture... then my husband yelled out, "It's a Yeti!" as he's taking the photo. I was dumbfounded. "Why didn't I realize that, sooner?!" My Training group is called the Yetis! It was great! 

As I walked up to the expo, holding hands with Jim, I was overwhelmed. A bucket list race- that I never thought I'd do; with my death-defying husband; knowing our daughters were safe, still sleeping in our room; looking at the lake ahead; looking at the buildings to our left & thousands of people surrounding us... I was SO HAPPY to even BE there. Just getting here has been a journey. 

While I train to race; I try not to lose sight of what a great experience it all is. I try to remember to appreciate what I can do. 

Training for a marathon puts you in many situations. Race day is never predictable, however. Less than a mile into the race, a woman tripped in front of me. I almost stepped on her. Mile three, a woman asked if I was okay. "Yes." "You have something leaking on your back." Another runner hands me a paper towel. I look at my side & there is vomit or diarrhea on my right side. I am COVERED from my back to my abdomen in something sticky. I stop behind a bus area, take off my Hydraquiver & check my backside. Did I have the runner trots?!?! No-- from what I can gather: apparently someone threw their gel pack & hit me, or I leaned into it in the corral. It was on my strap & every time it swayed as I ran, it rubbed onto my arm. My arm carried it to my side. I was covered! I stopped at a water station. They dumped water on my shirt & we tried to wash it out. I went out again & felt the "gunk" hitting my arm from my strap. I stopped at the next water stop & they washed the strap to my harness. I took off again & realized I had I giant spot on the top of my hand. I stopped again to wash my hands. That was mile 3, 7 & 9. Good thing I wasn't racing.

I tried to stay between 10-10:30 miles because I wanted to see everything. I did! I saw the Chinese dragons. I saw the ROTC guys spinning their wooden rifles. I saw the cross- dressing guys blasting music & blowing kisses. 😳 I saw an Elvis impersonator. I saw school bands, bagpipes, drummers 🤘🏼, heard Salsa music, Gangem Style music & dancers, young kids asking for high-5's, PEOPLE (!!!). There was not a 1/10 of a mile without people cheering their heads off. I turned onto LaSalle (?) & the crowd's cheering was thunderous & loud (!!!) echoing off all the old buildings. I started crying. All of these complete strangers were cheering for other strangers! A woman saw me crying, reaches out to touch me & cheers me on! I started crying more! Then two other people tell me it's okay & that I'm doing great. This was not unique. I had numerous people calling to me when I got shin splints & stopped to stretch. Strangers were calling to "Mexico", "Australia" & all the other countries or groups with advertisements on their shirts. One man yelled out to me: "Good job, Pigtails!" I laughed. I gave a thumbs-up to the bands. I was amazed at a man using a folding chair as a crutch & had his arm around a police officer as he gimped to the finish. I saw numerous people cramping- like me. I saw people vomiting. I saw people whisked away as they collapsed. I saw a woman getting loaded onto a makeshift emergency 4 wheeler with an IV. --Yeah, slow is good for me. She was ahead of me but at least I would finish. 

I saw my family on the course-cheering- 💕 & a fellow INKnBURN alumni! She wasn't racing, she was spectating- saw me, called out my name & gave me a high-5. Unbelievable!!! I thought I'd be "alone" on the course, today- a "no name" blending into the 45,000 runners. I was wrong.

As I trotted along, I thought, "I'll stick to 1/2's. I'm done with marathons. They hurt." I know I'll forget & sign up, again. The crowds & experiences far out weigh the discomfort I felt. 

As I got home & assessed this past weekend, I was a mixed bag of emotions. 

Mommy Guilt: I took my kids out of their study/homework routines & they have to pay the Piper, today. I feel like I'm sending them into battle without a sword & telling them to "do your best." 

Disbelief: It's hard to believe it really happened & it's over. Lots of practice & training-- now it's "just done." 

Beating myself up: "You should have pushed the pace & sucked it up. Your finisher's time is a joke."

Self kindness: I was fighting an Achilles niggle. The last time I raced through it, I was down for a year! A slower pace would ensure I could participate & still live to tell the tale (& do my next race) in two weeks. "You made the right choice." 

Guilt: Time to pay the bills for a Chicago weekend for 4. 

Gratitude: My family came. They all showed up, together, on the course-- for the first time ever!!! I was SO happy to see them at mile 12! 

Happiness: Knowing the girls (& Jim) got to see a new place, seeing a "bigger picture", outside of our country homestead, makes me happy. They know there are "options" past our back yard. They don't have to "settle."

Gratitude: My body is an amazing thing. Even with a mommy pooch & poor biomechanics, it got me through 26.2 miles of concrete. I can be upset that I didn't go faster (which I kind of am); but, I am amazed that I am walking & getting on with daily obligations, today. I asked my body to do something the majority of people will never ask their bodies to do. It came through the best it could, on that day. 💕

I hugged Jim before I entered the park, on race day. I thanked him & told him how much I loved him. I cried a bit. -Athletes, only, were allowed to the start. (We were scanned for weapons & security was tight. I appreciated it.) It was a stark reality of being separated from your family. I knew it wasn't permanent; but it was a reminder. I thought if this is "it" & I never see him again, Life has been good to me & more than fair. To experience your body's potential after a near death experience makes you HIGHLY aware of how easily it could all go away, quickly-- & I never want that to happen, again. 

I felt guilty all day thinking about my kids not studying or getting all their homework done, this weekend. Both had tests or projects, today. They rolled with it & got it done. I was relieved.

4 hour marathon or 5 hour marathon--> Selfish? Irrelevant to life? A joke? It's all relative. I genuinely am grateful that I can do this at all & I really enjoyed our whirlwind trip. As I wrote ALL of this down, A friend tagged me on Facebook, letting me know that registration will be opening, this month, for next year's race. Chicago 2018, I will probably be back. 

I don't mean to keep sounding the "you almost died" alarm to Jim... but... GEEZ... I have little flash backs all of the time!

Today, Jim & I did a shortie 5K. "Shortie" is relative. "Slow" is relative. Jim couldn't participate in this race last year. It took everything for him to attend with me then sit. The year before that, he was bed ridden & I missed the race all together. Entering a race "on a whim" was unheard of for Jim. At one time running with someone was difficult for me. At one time running slower than my normal pace was a no-no for my ego & anyone who would see my race results, later.

Today, none of that matters when I'm out with Jim. People were flooding past us. All I could think was: "But we're DOING it!"

At one time the THOUGHT of food would make Jim gag. Today, seeing him talk about donuts after the race, order them, excitedly open the package then close his eyes as he bit into them & let out an "ummmmmm" sound---> it made my heart smile!

He would never have worn a costume to a race. At one time I wouldn't either! Now, here we were in front of God & country trotting around like SNL cheerleaders. He said he "did it for me." I appreciate that. I did it for him! To encourage someone to run, encourage them to be playful & enjoy the run, look around during the run, then stay with them for the run--> that's what makes a partnership work in running & life.

I don't take any of it for granted. I was around families & a supportive community. It was beautiful seeing people & chatting but nothing compared to seeing Jim accomplish the impossible--> running... & eating that donut.

I am a happy girl! 💕

This summer I've noticed some things. I forgot to take my phone to work a couple of times or I would put my phone or keys down & not remember where they were. This didn't happen often; but for me, it was unusual. I told my doctor I had been crying. She said it was probably just me taking care of a family, juggling a sick husband, work & training. It apparently wasn't a reason to order a hormonal test or a brain scan. 😊 I was certain things were "changing." This month I went to read my phone & had to adjust how far it was from my eyes, a first. I also had to adjust the angle of my phone. I made an eye dr appt- mostly because I had one pair of contacts left. The usual readings & tests took place. I wanted glasses since my prescription had changed significantly. (I have been in glasses since first grade. I peaked at a negative 9.5, at one point.) As I've gotten older, people naturally get far sighted. This has worked to my advantage. I am now a negative 7.5 AND no more astigmatism in my right eye! Woot! Woot! Imagine my surprise when the lady fitting me for glasses said bifocals. "What?! My eyes are getting better!" Hmmmm... I do remember her saying something when I read the fine, small print about readers. I presumed I DIDN'T need readers. Perhaps I read the line easily because she DID magnify it. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So, I sat- she'll shocked- as she told me my options. I agreed to bifocals. They are my back up. Contacts are still my first visual aid.

I also got my teeth checked, yesterday. I had 50% bone loss after my braces. A specialist gave me options, yesterday. I was sad. He was optimistic. He was also a runner. I noticed his Detroit marathon shirt under his scrubs. He emailed me stuff to do in Chicago next weekend. I am stoked.

Recap: I'm losing my eyes & my teeth! 🙀 Kidding... BUT... I AM fighting getting old(er) as long as I can.

I'm running & doing stuff I couldn't do at 18; I'm proud of that. I suspect, however, that I'll be getting frustrated with my limitations- emotionally,
mentally & visually.

No choice-- it's going to happen. I'll be going with the flow-- but fighting at the same time.

This past weekend was wonderful. Can running a race change the world? Maybe not. Can wearing pink Cure my friend with cancer? No. Can wearing pink show another friend I'm glad she kicked cancer? Yes. -Some of my race registration goes for local screening & stays to help local females. I know there are volunteers & I know there are others that get paid. If I dwell too much on it, I could get pessimistic at the cost of the race (that affects me) & lose sight of people. I heard women stating how long they had been cancer free, this weekend. I was genuinely happy for all of them; but when I heard one woman say she was cancer free for one month, I choked. The fear, the hope, the fear, again... I remember feeling all of it, not too long ago. 

I run because I physically can. It makes me feel alive even when it sucks. I run because I couldn't. I run because I was told not to... I run for other people when they can't & I run because a small part of my running monetarily helps those around me. 

There are upcoming events. I don't expect that Everyone can run every event, every weekend, every month; but, most of these races have a charity that benefits. I WISH I could do them all. I, personally, love the idea of benefitting kids, women & the sick. 

Why the long windedness? It was a feel good weekend. There is another race approaching, soon. 

Racing for Recovery is in October. I did it last year with Jim. I scoffed, at first, at the cost of two entries, honestly; but, it was local, a friend was doing her first 5K, Jim was well enough & wanted to participate. How could I say no? 

Jim went through his own recovery. While his battle wasn't with street drugs, a life or death situation is just that- no matter what the cause. This race was significant. It was Jim's second 5K post illness. I ran with him. I ran with him instead of solo; because, at one time he couldn't. I ran with him; because at one time I was whining because I WAS running, solo. Now, here, finally, I was running with my partner. Speed would come with strength & endurance.

As I see the advertising of this year's rock theme, I smile. I have never battled addiction. I hear it is awful. I hope to help, locally, while doing something I love. I'll be Racing for Recovery.

RACING FOR RECOVERY ROCK'TOBER 10K, 5K, 1 MILE WALK

School drop offs & a dr appt had me to Oak Openings later than usual. My body is still sore from this weekend so I opted for soft- SHADED- trails since it was 80. 😩 It is getting dangerous with fallen leaves covering the trails. No more single track for me until after Chicago. I kicked a root with my left foot & went flying. No face plants, though! 






OMGooodness! Guess who I found at Oak openings? The woman who pushed me into all of this!  The woman who didn't let me get in the last word. The woman who kept telling me I "could" when I kept telling her I "couldn't."She kept reinforcing positivity when my own mother& husband said I couldn't. I thought I couldn't. She knew otherwise. She doted on me, today, like I was a kid she hasn't seen in a long time. She commented, repeatedly at how far I've come & how many changes I've made as a runner. As a fellow runner, she "gets it." She knows the amount of work it takes to get to a start line, a new pace or a new mind set. 

After chatting for some time in the parking lot, we went our separate ways. She invited me to run with her; but we are still very different runners. I NEEDED the trails on my achy body. She wanted pavement. I couldn't physically bring myself to endure the pounding of pavement, today. She chats. I "don't" when running. I am not "mute;" but at a fast pace, or a technical trail, I can't talk. I don't believe I am faster than her, despite what she said, today. I still don't believe I could ever out run her... & part of me wants to keep it that way. In my mind, she will always be the BQ qualifier, the goal setter, the inspiration, the original encouragement. 

I took that encouragement... & ran with it. 

I'm a runner-nerd. I write, think & schedule running around a crazy family schedule. Anyone raising kids knows that to be an "individual" can be difficult when raising kids. I feel selfish at times when I'm out doing miles; but, I know this past time strengthens my entire family, so I continue. I'm no elite. I'm "old" -or should I say "a master"? I'm thick in the middle; but I'm a "progress." I constantly write about this progress & I usually get positive feedback.

This past week & weekend was no different. I wrote about my training lows, complained about the heat & rejoiced over training highs- however brief they were. I wrote about Mirna on Facebook. I was mad that someone verbally attacked her. I was sticking up for her when I was hit with an avalanche of feedback. This wasn't about running. It was a verbal attack on her physical appearance, her person, her abilities and efforts.

REI --The MIRNAVATOR--

My Facebook comments connected to this video: "Dang! This just REALLY upsets me. It's hard enough being the only color in a white sport. It's hard for me having "no waist" in a sport where lean is pristine. She is TRYING. She's not sitting on her a$$. (I'm sorry to use such language but seriously!!!) Give credit where credit is due! She has done longer distances than I have! You don't think she wants to lose more weight-- if anything, to be better at the sport she loves? She doesn't need harsh condemnation. She's putting her money where her mouth is. She's a process & I guarantee getting leaner will happen. 

I related to her saying that she came from a family where exercise was "foreign" to her. This was my background as well. It's hard to start with that deficit but it does show that anyone can get results. Some are genetically gifted. Some of us are fighting an uphill battle-- but we ARE battling. 

Give her some damn credit! (Again- excuse my language but this REALLY pisses me off! Excuse me, again.) Praise the effort & the results will come."  

I was enraged. If a person would attack her, it wouldn't take much for them to attack me & the rest of us "trying."

Some of us already have the negative,  doubting voices in our head. Running proves that we can overcome just about anything! "Overcoming" is relative to ourselves. Our body is a gift & deserves respect any time it works! If there is ONE thing I learned from Jim's illness, it's this: when something attacks your body & it stops working, there is nothing you want more than to do "normal" things that you once took for granted- sitting up, moving without assistance, going to the bathroom by yourself, walking, BREATHING, eating... If you "work", then be grateful. If you can walk or run--> at whatever pace you have on any given day, your body deserves applause. Put on blinders & ear plugs to idiots & quiet the voice in your head. I would be cheering others' advancements, why not my own? Why am I criticizing my best effort at that time? I've learned that I need to be merciful with myself & my abilities. 

When I started running, I was racing at 10 min miles. I was told that wasn't running. "9 min miles was running." I hit 9 min miles then the SAME person said it wasn't running. "I heard 8 min miles was 'running'." I hit 8 min miles & 7 min miles. Silence from "the definer" - no praise. Then I realized the definition of running/jogging/trotting is all relative. The person that touts a 6 min mile is JOGGING (dirty runner word) compared to an elite. My 10 minute mile is what my trim, once sickly husband is aspiring to- and getting there. Considering being completely bed ridden, a person's body "working" & "participating" IS WORTH AN AWARD. "Running" isn't defined by PACE. It's defined by effort. My 5K, all out 7 min mile running, is nothing compared to elites. But a 7 min mile is gloriously incredible to ME! AND-- Guess what? I still do my long runs at +10 minutes. 

This past weekend, I did a long run on Saturday & a 5K on Sunday. I said I wasn't going to race. I hadn't been doing speed work & the weather was not favorable to a PR. As walkers lined up at the FRONT of the start line, I moved farther & farther ahead. They joked that I could go around them despite the announcer telling walkers to let the runners start ahead of them. I caught myself thinking I was "faster." I was irritated- not that they were participating- but irritated that they refused to follow instructions for the benefit of safety and logistics of the large crowd.  The gun went off & I felt good. My breathing was fast & I checked my pace on my Garmin. It said I was at a 5:57 pace! I KNEW I couldn't hold that for the entire race. I also knew it was hot (I had been standing in the sun waiting for the start) & I did NOT want to get hurt before Chicago. I tried to slow down for the next couple of miles. As I got home looking at numbers, I see that I hit a 5:14 pace! I have NEVER done that! I didn't stay there long. This wasn't a mile race. I would have two more miles after the first! While I was momentarily jubilant at seeing a 5 minute pace, I was scared. I slowed WAY down. Mile one was a  sub 8. Miles 2 & 3 were sub 8:30's; then, I finished at a 7:15 pace kick to the finish. At one time I would have been ecstatic with that performance. I found myself critiquing negatively at my final time. I focused on hitting a 5 minute pace-- however brief-- then reigning myself back in. There was a time I would have walked. I didn't. I WANTED to-- I didn't. Small triumphs are mental confidence boosters IF you give yourself credit. 

Sometimes we advocate for & applaud others, like Mirna, noted above. Sometimes we can destroy ourselves the way her attacker did. As enraged as I was, I realize I am just as guilty- to myself & others, albeit not verbally. We are all a work in progress. -Praise the effort & the results will come...