I cannot express how much a person can hold it together & then suddenly (emotionally) feel so fried!

I am an advisor for the girls' 4-H group.  I cut our losses & just opted to FINISH project books before our county fair, in September. Anyone that has been involved in 4-H knows that county judging & interviews to represent your county at the state fair-- is a BIG DEAL! We skipped it this year.

We missed so much with Jim being sick... we didn't have nearly as many activities as years past, to finish our books & to get judged "early" to be a state representative. It was difficult to go to Columbus in years past... but they were ribbons (& titles) the girls could "show" at the fair, locally, later. I feel like I let them down... yet I know in the big scheme of life-- having their dad with us trumps a county title & a ribbon to show at the fair. --I KNOW this... yet feel like I should have pushed a bit harder. And yet I am RELIEVED I don't have the pressure of rescheduling work & having to drive HOURS to get to Columbus.

As Jim has regained strength, I feel emotional. It is difficult to explain. I was so task oriented: juggling the girls, work, the house & Jim (almost a child, again), I wouldn't let myself "think""what if" too much. Now, I am thinking "what if" all of the time! What if I took the girls to Nebraska by myself? What would Jim's birthday or our anniversary date be like surviving without him? It is unnecessary, yet I go there often, now. What if we didn't have the higher deductible, we do? How many bills could I have paid off? I find myself thinking about money, a lot, as doctor bills arrive separately & each expects to get paid, immediately. Somehow, we survive-- but the narrowed vision I had is expanding & I see a broader vision of our life, again. I suspect the anxiety I am feeling is from noticing "the big picture", again.

I continue to juggle; but all I want to do, today, is sleep.

I was reading an article about protecting "space" around people that need it. After months of protecting my family, I'm fried. I kinda' lost it on them all, today. Jillian needs a booster shot before entering high school. They won't let her BACK to school without it. We scheduled it for today & because she hates shots; she didn't want to go. I told her to pick another date. She has no clue what is involved & randomly picks dates that don't work in conjunction with other things on our schedule. I yell. Jim calmly says, "Can't you just take her, today?" ME?! (I am a bit livid, now.) I give an irritated chuckle & say, "No... I will have to wait, there; &, I have to go to WORK, tonight..." I am the main breadwinner, now. Yes, Jim is busy at home. Yes, he is making meals & doing yard work. Yes, I am enjoying extra sleep since I am not driving the girls to school over summer break... but I shouldn't have to do it all.  Jim "realizes" what has been "said" & tells Jillian to get ready. She also realizes the gravity of her actions & complies. I STILL get things ready for her & Jim. I organize getting shot records, insurance card & form to be filled out for the school. They leave quietly.

The girls certainly aren't pulling much (if any) weight at home or at work. If they were, I'd be more generous. I just laid into Hannah. She has been promising she will clean her room. She has been promising to finish her 4-H projects. She wouldn't even do a stupid survey for school until I MADE her sit in front of me & practically TOLD her what to write. She finds time do art. Great... but she won't lift a finger to find her art that she wants to enter in the fair. It was entered in an exhibit by her teacher. Where? When is the exhibit done? How do we pick it up? No answers so I contact the teacher because she won't. -More work for me to find & do because I'm "MOM". -I yelled at her... reminding her that no other parent or boss is going to cut her as much slack. She cried. She's crying now as I type. I don't believe in physical spankings but she got a verbal one. A shock of reality at home... A fast forward in life of no roommate, partner or boss catering to her when she PROMISES she will do something & doesn't. She is being held accountable to her promises. I think this is necessary... but...

I know I will feel like a HEEL in a bit admitting to all of this. I will be at work & feel guilty for being so harsh... for letting myself get to the point of lashing out... but does anyone cut me slack & even notice I'm getting to this point? I'm sad to say, they will probably notice "next time".

I am ANXIOUS. Anxious about the girls starting school & the lack of understanding they have of their future. Then I feel bad because I KNOW I didn't understand at their age. They have a mom that talks to them, though. My mom-- well that's a different blog post. I don't think they need to suffer to be appreciative of what they have... but a reality check of mom "losing" it may be just enough to be the calm (& clean up) after the storm.

I have a family to run, now. My complaints are on the table. My family is healthy & still intact. I've complained & grumbled... I've slept in. Our family is far from perfect. We survived a hell of a storm this year. I didn't realize how battered the ship was. I do, now. -Now: it's time to get geared up for a final summer push. 4-H fair, parades, school activities & schedules, college classes (x2 girls) while juggling high school & no drivers' licenses but mine-- school forms, pictures, supplies & realizing sometimes letting it "go" is the perfect way to juggle for awhile.  Guilt or no guilt-- it is done.

Now? The more jugglers, the more stuff- flying through the air. This usually makes for a more exciting show. So... we are setting the stage & raising my voice... before our next performances. I think we're "ready" to do more.

I THOUGHT I was blogging on my account from my phone... I thought I was up to date, blogging regularly about Jim's advancements & progress... Instead of SPECIFICALLY blogging, here, it's under the Google homepage. I'm not quite sure what the difference is... but it's not showing up HERE. :( Should I copy & paste each entry?

sosclean

Public

Jul 06, 2016

Below are questions (& my responses) to an interview about Jim's ordeal. It was very strange reliving the 8 month experience & summarizing it in a few paragraphs. I was so focused on tasks, that I rarely cried. I was frustrated & a few times cried from frustration. I felt hatred, once. I remember it CLEARLY. Truly fearful?
I can't remember. Sadness wasn't an accurate description of any day. Emotions ranged from frustration to anger. There was a calmness to organizing the daya false sense of control, I suspect. Now, there is true joy- not a superficial happiness. I am genuinely grateful to be alive & have my family, together.

Q: Has your passion for running and strength training played a part? If so, how?
A: When Jim came home, I was waiting on him constantly. He couldn’t sit up, eat, monitor his insulin (he was now diabetic) or change his bandages. My training became secondary to running a household but my running kept me sane. It was time that altered my mood. I was able to temporarily put down the weight of trauma & leave it in the woods. I was able to pick up responsibilities after a shower. As I think about it, I’m not sure how we did it. We just juggled the best we could.

Q: What wishes do you have for those of your family?
A: I want our girls to see a happy couple as an example if they choose marriage, someday. A couple working & exercising, together, is a great thing to witness. I want our girls to finish school & college. I want my husband to be happy & healthy. I was told that this ordeal would bring us closer together as a family. At the time, I thought it was a HORRIBLE thing to say. The stress of watching the girls try to function at school knowing their dad may die was difficult. Wondering if he would survive & adjustments that would need to be made, afterwards, were daily concerns. Now, he’s been to hell & back. Daily life seems less dramatic. -We fought, defended & survived. We depended on each other & we share the same wounds. We cried & cheered, together. Dying & surviving, together, HAS brought us closer together as a couple & a family. The doctors said Jim’s strong heart & lungs (from running) were key to his survival. I hope this story “pays it forward”. For whatever reason a person’s future looks bleak… you just can’t give up. As long as your heart is beating & you’re breathing (on your own or with assistance), you just keep hoping & fighting…

I questioned if Jim would give up during any of this ordeal. I can't imagine the fear, pain & discomfort when he woke up to a giant tube down his throat & numerous tubes in arms, thighs & neck. He was quite awake when they removed the vent tube that went down his esophagus. He had lucid dreams from the strong narcotics given him. It took awhile to convince him that many of the experiences he thought were real, weren't. He believed he had been kidnapped. He told stories that now seem far fetched to him... but we're quite real in his mind.

We pick up the pieces, now & live our altered life. We are different people. After being so close to death, life is much easier...