What does it mean to honor someone through an act? I've seen people run a race "in honor" of someone else-- but what does it MEAN... & more importantly... what does it accomplish?

Do the miles "miraculously" help the late person or sick family member? -Not usually. Does the sick family member reap any health benefit or satisfaction of the run? -No.  "So why do people do it?" I wondered.

There is a local fireman that runs our local marathon in full firemen gear in honor of his fallen "brother". I see pictures of people on another's shirt, during races, or ribbons with names. I didn't understand all of these emotional actions until recently.

Jim has been extremely sick- for months. There were many times that he could have died. While he is still quite weak & I tend to his care, I have still found time to run a few days a week. There is comfort for me in "structure". Anxiety & frustration were the norm. It is getting better. How did I make it through all of the anxiety? A few weekly runs through the woods expends a good amount of energy. Exhaustion would replace anxiety. Does this spent energy help Jim in any way? He smiles when I return & tell him what I saw or experienced. He tells me he will be out with me, again.

As I've waited to see how (& when) his health would rebound, I logged miles. Eventually my miles surpassed mileage of a 1/2 marathon. I asked Jim if he thought I could do our local full marathon, this spring. Again, he hinted toward doubt so I waited & didn't register. WHAT was I waiting for...? Death? Perfect health? -Why was I self-doubting? If I didn't try for the marathon, I would feel like I was settling for "less". I registered- just recently- for the Glass City full marathon on April 24, 2016.

As I sat in front of the computer looking at the "successful registration" screen, I thought: "What have I done? Can I do this? What if... I HAVE to do this." -It is difficult to explain. When your husband & your mother doubt your abilities, you believe them... then you need to prove to them that you are more than they believe... I need to PROVE it to myself that I am strong enough to hold it together through all of this "life stuff". I knew it was the right challenge for me. Increasing my mileage would be a way for me to quantify my strength & abilities while quieting my ever present self-doubts.

As my mind went back & forth between excitement & doubt, an overwhelming desire to run  this race in honor of my husband became stronger. He "can't" right now; but I could "for" him. -Do the miles benefit him financially, physically or emotionally? -No: however, there is a strong emotional reaction on my part to try to connect to the discomfort he is going through.

To run in honor of someone is different for every person. You can quietly contemplate time with them while you run. You can wear their favorite color or carry a small object representing them during the race. A person can wear a picture on their shirt of their loved one for others to see or a ribbon with their name on it... To run in honor of someone may be visible to onlookers or private to only the runner. -To me, running in honor of my husband is symbolic of a course of recovery. It's a purely symbolic gesture, of course, denoting triumph over physical & emotional discomfort. This is exactly what this past year has been- triumph over death. Triumph over doubt. Triumph over negativity.

So I prepare for my own battle in April, thinking of the strength of my family & structure that running has brought me, this year. There has been comfort in the woods. I hope to channel what this ordeal has done to us as a family. In April 2016, I run the Glass City full marathon in honor of James Speer.

Even with all of the craziness, I still try to train. INKnBURN & the Glass City Marathon give me a goal, direction & an overall "feel good" when I put on my "feel strong" clothes. When I think my life is falling down around me, a run clears my head, floods my brain with feel-good chemicals & gives me a break from worrying.

 

I've made up my mind that I am training for the Glass City FULL marathon. *disclaimer* I have not signed UP for any of the races, yet. I may still need to drop to the 1/2 marathon if Jim takes an unexpected turn & "the bottom falls out" of my training... but for now, my eyes are fixed on 26.2 miles, this Spring. I am also prepping to do my missed races from last Spring & Fall: Michigan's Martian Marathon, my ultra at Woodstock & Detroit's full marathon.  I want to do the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame's 1/2, again, &, of course, our local Toledo Roadrunners events- Black Swamp Festival of Races, MacQueen's Run For Your Life, some fun themed shorter races, etc. --If I can avoid CLUMSY injuries, I should have a strong year... if I can keep the rest of the family on the road to good health... well... that would be PERFECT!

 

 

These past weeks have been hectic. I am a Facebook nerd, foremost. Blogging is a "second". Twitter is a "project" I need to tackle, next. For now, part of this post is taken from Facebook.

Update on my husband's progress: After four & 1/2 LONG months, Jim is eating FOOD! I'm not talking milk or Ensure as substitute/replacement meals, either. He would TRY to eat food & take tiny bites, in the past. He would gag- or worse- even at the thought of food. It was the polar opposite of my former foodie-chef partner. This weekend marked a take-out meal of a fish dinner from a local place with pasta & apple sauce. He didn't finish it; but he ate slowly & ate until he was full! (Yes, his stomach has been growling for months but he couldn't get & keep food in that hungry belly.) I saw a smile as I saw him snacking on Ritz crackers, peanut butter & jelly before bed. (He couldn't do this a week prior because swallowing was difficult.) Saturday started with chocolate & white milk (breakfast), as usual, then "trying" (AND FINISHING) a full grilled ham & cheese sandwich on Saturday! Blood sugar stayed stable... & then he finished the evening with 1/2 a piece of pizza (to try)! (Ensure drinks during the day.) Today, he was adamant that he wanted to try pancakes, eggs & sausage with maple syrup, butter & milk. That would be a lot of work if he couldn't eat it... but he had good success the past two days, so I made what he asked for. He asked for seconds (!!!) & ate until his stomach was full. He is so NOT used to eating that his face (jaws) are sore from chewing! THREE DAYS IN A ROW OF REAL FOOD!!! There is a TRUE happiness for him. To see a human suffer "less" is a reason to tear up. His weight is extremely low but hopefully, now, we have FINALLY hit bottom & are rebounding. I thought that before... but his weight KEPT going down as he had no appetite. Taste & appetite are both finally back... We may see some weight returning- fast or slowly. I just want a healthy weight & strength so he can regain a normal life, again. He says he can't wait to take a big bite of sandwich like Guy Fieri. I just smile as I HEAR his personality returning...

For dinner: Jim ate FOOD, again- a baked potato with sour cream, broccoli, a hamburger (1/2 pound- but he only ate 1/2) and a diet (no sugar) 7up. The carbonation helps him burp when he "can't." I am so optimistic, I can't stand it. We go for a dr appt this week to discuss the results of the endoscopy with his primary care physician & Jim's drop in insulin needs. Do we continue on the appetite meds? Do we NEED to do another CAT scan? --I know no one can "do" anything to help but I find comfort sharing these updates. -I've had people offer practical help, here. I truly appreciate the offers... but I know that your life is just as busy as ours. To drag someone from their family to help ours seems selfish. Chores eventually get done & having a quiet place for Jim to not worry about his appearance is important to me. -I promise not to post every meal he has this week...but this weekend has been so significant, I needed to let the world know. Thank you, Everyone, for caring. We don't do much, socially, anymore. We fell off the face of the planet, some time ago... Sharing this ordeal is a way of letting people know that dark times come & they stick around sometimes for longer than you expect. Sometimes life gets better, quickly... Sometimes it stays down for longer than we think we can handle it... The human experience- good & bad - life & death puts things into perspective to appreciate everything- eating, breathing, family, friendship, offers of help & support, each day...

Shortie 3 miler with/for Lucy. I need to get the girls to a friend's house, then I'll finish my miles, solo. Blue trail at Oak Openings was treacherously icy. I wasn't thinking. I thought it may be muddy with the snow melting & rain we got... but I didn't plan on ice. I didn't have my Yaktrax but it wouldn't have helped at some sections. I ended up slidding sideways as I hit a patch, tried to slow down, arms flailing & choppy steps to keep them under me. It was all SO graceful. ;) Looking forward to a few more miles in a bit... Planning my strategy for Glass City in April.

 

Part 1: DON'T GET HURT...

Part 2: Get Jim healthy. He's lost so much muscle mass. He will be more light to run, eventually. 

Part 3: Hal Higdon training plan, again, this year. It's easier to run solo with my weird schedule.

Part 4: Remember that running is not "selfish". It helps me be a stronger support for my family- emotionally & physically.

Part 5: Less is sometimes "more" as I get older. -REST DAYS- Better to run less days if it means I won't get injured.

Part 6: Physical therapy/strength exercises-- clam shells, clam shells, clam shells(!!!), Downward Dog, pigeon, Cat, Cow, Child's Pose... I can't skip my yoga stretches & hip strengthening exercises.

Part 7: Commit to a race distance. I am watching the spots fill up for Glass City. While I am an ambassador & have an entry-- I am toying with the idea of still doing the full marathon. Life is so chaotic with Jim's care that REALISTICALLY, I'll probably do the 1/2 marathon but I will still try to increase miles (& fit them into my schedule).

IMPORTANT Part 8: Don't get hurt! Winter miles can be dangerously scary when solo... & insulatedly beautiful & meditative at times. Dress warm & choose your route carefully. -Plan your run... then run your plan so my family knows where I'll be.

Training wrap up: Enjoy it! It's training but it's "more". I'm training because I LOVE running the trails. I LOVE that running gives me a confidence that I have never had before. (A confidence more than weight loss.) A confidence to trust my body-- that my body is a functioning machine that can endure a lot if well maintained & cared for... Respect for my body & others participating in the same event & life style... Hope- if I can keep going, my girls may look to running to help them endure & cope with their own trials as they get older.

 

As I flood my mind with feel-good chemicals, I look positively to Jim's physical recovery. It has taken MUCH longer than I expected. He is the one enduring this & I try to help him stay as comfortable as he can in his uncomfortable state. -I "take him with me" on each run, then share stories upon my return. He smiles & tells me he will be out there with me, soon. --I look forward to this...

 

 

Shooting for 10 miles, today- a "cut back" week. I did 9-- not because I couldn't do 10... because I ran out of time. Jim had asked me to take him to a movie, today. I said yes if it would get him showered, dressed, out of bed & out of the house.

Sadly, I opted for some extra sleep this morning & I lost an hour to the snooze button & a slow wake up afterwards. In my defense, it wasn't a solid night's sleep. Jim will wake me up if he needs anything at night. At 2:45 he was hungry so I brought him milk & juice for his sugar.

I did 9 miles, solo- pavement & trails- then hustled home to find my sister waiting. She would be taking the girls to another movie. I can take a quick shower but I needed to help Jim, too. He was exhausted afterwards & didn't think he could make it. We sent my sister & girls without us. Shortly afterwards, Jim threw up- repeatedly. My heart goes out to him. I've had people asking if I think he is "faking it" so that I will wait on him. If not eating, vomiting, faking extreme sugar highs (enough to be hospitalized) & extreme weight loss are "faking it" then he's the best actor I've ever seen. --No, I do not think he is faking it. His shaking after vomiting are not rehearsed.

So 9 miles out of my goal of 10 for today is "good enough". I had some elevation changes & feel tired.

The Toledo Roadrunners are holding a group run/race, tomorrow- the Donut Dash. While I would not be capable of eating 4 donuts mid run & finish, I thought I may be able to participate. Today reminded me that we take one day at a time. Jim REALLY wanted to go to see the new Leonardo DiCaprio movie- the one with the bear. I didn't. When he really wants to do something & physically can't, it reminds me that he is not "faking it". So tomorrow's race will probably not be likely for me; but I will try & see how the morning plays out.

A good day... Two weak days... A strong day... A good eating day... A total bed rest day...

Such has been Jim's life, lately. Yesterday, we had another visit from the ambulance. Jim & I had the conversation that he had to assume responsibility of checking his sugar & taking his insulin. If anything happened to me, or I was at work, he NEEDS to check his own sugar. Of course, he agreed. All was good, until, yesterday. We had moved his long-lasting insulin to a morning injection rather than an evening injection. His blood sugar would drop dangerously low at night. A morning injection would allow us the opportunity to be awake & monitor how he felt & adjust his intake if he got low or high.

19 units of long-lasting insulin is the new norm. Down a unit from the prescribed 20 units. I have the prescription taped to Jim's side of the bed as reference. It details insulin name & doses. Jim grabbed the fast acting insulin & administered 18 units rather than the long-lasting. He called me into the bedroom to tell me what he had done-- by accident. He was alert & clear minded but I went into alert mode. I called the doctor's office- no night nurse. I had to call 911, again & they were quick to send out two ambulances. I JUST wanted medical direction. When the paramedics arrived, I explained & they asked if we wanted to go to the hospital to be monitored. We both thought it was unnecessary but still needed direction. Juice & some sugary items until the insulin wore off was their suggestion... but Jim also HAD to stay awake. His blood sugar dropped that morning from 238 to 40. We monitored and had him sipping juices regularly. It was tiring for both of us. In permanent marker, we wrote right on the insulin pen "LONG LASTING 19 UNITS" & "SHORT ACTING 4-5 UNITS"-- so hopefully no more accidents!

I took the girls to school-- late. I had called so the office was aware of the situation. I was frustrated & worried. Jim apologized- a few times; but, I CAN'T get mad at him. He is the one enduring the hunger, the vomiting, the pokes & prodding, the highs & lows. I keep providing water & food as he can stomach it; but, ultimately, HE is the one carrying the physical discomfort. I carry a different emotional burden.

As if the above change in our family isn't enough, I received notice that an account that we have had for EIGHT YEARS no longer wanted our services. No reason given- no complaints... just two weeks notice then "remove your supplies & turn in your keys." I was blind-sighted & worried. How would I swing a reduced budget to now pay for these extra medical bills? I would finish the two weeks, irreprehensibly & professionally. Our company would not be accused of not following through with our obligations.

As my last day approached, I was sick. As I drove onto the premises, though, I (surprisingly) felt something different--> RELIEF! This account always felt like we were walking on egg shells. The previous two companies before us lasted a month, each. We had lasted eight years. I would leave the account feeling dirty & smelling like diesel fuel. As I packed up some of our supplies I felt giddy knowing I would never have to come back here, again. (Employees still had two more sessions, though; so I left some supplies.) I drove home & prayed. I felt uncomfortable because I knew I was not living as I had a few years ago. While I am not on any course of debauchery, I am not living the life of a volunteer minister, anymore. My previous associates have limited their association with me & I with them. Life is hard enough without me feeling guilty for not sacrificing more than I am as a mother, wife & business organizer, already. I love my family, but I refuse to be made to feel like a bad mom for not instilling cultural or religious limits on our daughters.

I do NOT mean I do not speak to our daughters about religion or God. I have heard many call us ridiculous for believing there is a God. Why do I believe? I believe in design. I believe if there is no plan- there is no accomplishment. There are too many "coincidences" for all of this to be an "accident". There is design, everywhere- repeated patterns; repeated minerals in plants, animals & humans; repetition everywhere. There are mathematical FORMULAS that play into human existence. As a person who PLANS & DESIGNS things for our 4-H group, our family, our business--> there NEEDS to be intelligence, thought & planning for anything to get done. --THIS is what I put my faith in... If there is a "final product" then there was a designer, an engineer & a fabricator.

I prayed at long length, detailing my trepidation to "ask". Yet, as a parent, I understand being merciful to your children. Our girls are good kids. Their youth or humanity sometimes limits their abilities; but I love their individuality, their independence & am not threatened at their inquisitiveness. Mercy- undeserved kindness- is what I asked for... I prayed for strength for myself as I tried to take care & protect my husband, girls & employees.

THE NEXT DAY, I received a call out of the clear blue sky asking for me to bid on a new, clean doctor's office. Guess how much it will pay? The same amount as the lost account. I bid. They countered. I rebid with new revisions. It was accepted. We start Monday- the first day "off" from our old job. :)

You can call me foolish for thinking this is more than a coincidence; but, I trust that my Parent still cares. I am hopeful that I will help our girls be strong, decisive yet humble as they get older. I pray that Jim will make a full recovery & that we never take for granted a healthy, preventative life-style. I pray that at some point I can make peace with individuals & family from my past. Until then, I have a lot of work to do. I will "let it all go" with a spiritual run in the woods, tomorrow.

(Oak Openings' Yellow Trail: it always cures my troubled heart.)

 

To say that these past few months have been filled with ups & downs would be an understatement! Jim went from complete bed rest to eating, yesterday! I've dealt with doctors, teachers, hospitals, work, employees, accountants, specialists, deadlines, household responsibilities, accusatory remarks...

 

It's hard "holding it all, together." My sister calls me the "family glue"; but, I've never felt so out of control in all my life. I'm trying to still keep a balanced life for the girls but it has been far from normal. I'm trying to take care of Jim & yet I feel like a waitress & a nurse more than a wife.

 

 I wouldn't say that running is my MOST favorite thing in life--> but without out it, I'm sure I would have reached a breaking point by this time. I am anxious over what the new year will bring... I am hopeful at what the new year will bring... I will juggle what the new year will bring.

 

It is difficult not being able to plan my race schedule for 2016, yet. At this point I would have signed up for many major races by now. My "responsible side" finds this difficult to indulge in, right now, knowing that our family's situation may change at the drop of a hat...   

 

A week ago, before I took Jim back to the hospital, he told me I had to prepare myself if, through all of this, he still didn't make it. I felt sick. I thought he had given up & the fire to fight got stronger. He was so tired.  Was he giving up? I took over. I would no longer allow him to make decisions over his health care. I would presume full control over deciding when he would go to the doctor... when it was an emergency... & monitoring his life signs. I clearly couldn't trust his judgment & his discernment. I got him to the hospital & after three days in the ER & ICU, he was released. I presumed to make appointments & TELL doctors what he needed & what I wanted to see in ways of improvements- weight gain was needed & I wanted him on SOMETHING to remove the nausea & increase his appetite. I wanted a GI specialist on his case & I would presume monitoring his sugar & insulin at home. So far, so good... but I'm burned out & ready to cry- or yell... so I go into the woods, dress in clothes that make me FEEL HAPPY & log miles. I dream of running Glass City's full marathon, this Spring. I dream of my first ultra this Fall. I think of how cool my orange shoes are... I think of Jim being healthy & strong. I think of the girls in college then becoming adults, with a good job that they enjoy... SLOWLY... my mind lets go of my worries & I realize how much of a life saver running is... Running has helped my own physical & emotional well being. This, in turn, allows me to be the "glue" for my family.

 

This February, I will officially be a "SPEER" longer than I have been an "OLVERA". This is significant to me. The thought of being so close to this milestone & Jim not being healthy (or around) to appreciate it with me is heartbreaking. My family is extremely important to me. They are the center of my universe & thinking that this unit is vulnerable makes me protective. I know, if the worse would happen- as many families have endured- life would continue; but it's a sickening thought to contemplate. So I try not to. I occupy my brain with feel-good hormones as I run. I occupy my mind with plans of health & races. I plan trips, vacations & dates with my family. Some are fanciful & others are plausible- eventually.

 

My family makes me joyful. Life gets in the way, sometimes. Running keeps me happy to deal with life.