I'm reading a recommended book to help me get a grip on nerves- on race day. I borrowed it from the library but eventually bought it from Amazon because I don't get a chance to sit & read much-- plus I wanted to underline/highlight/make notes as needed. Within the first few pages, it struck a chord. I've overcome a lot, solo, to start running. Most of these obstacles were mentally imposed by family, self & tradition. I felt guilty for so long... & always beat myself up. While... I've enjoyed running, part of me continues to feel guilty EVERY time I go out thinking I'm abandoning religious traditions & schedules. Life is hard enough without more guilt. Eventually I move into a "zen" & it all melts away. Add a race to the mix & I'm a nervous wreck. As I proceeded reading today, I realized I enjoy the process of trail running over the race of trail running. I enjoy seeing dragonflies, wildflowers, mushrooms, spiderwebs, reflections on the water, changing colored leaves & speckled shadows. As Woodstock approaches, I am sad I won't be doing my 50K. I'm coming back from injury & will stick with a shorter race. I am nervous about the race & yet part of me just really loves the route! I will only be doing the 1/2 marathon but for this flat lander, the route is a bit treacherous. I have never gotten hurt but I take my time to climb over fallen trees not jump them. I walk up "Mt. Everest" after mile 8-ish. I will TRY to remember to enjoy the journey-- because I do. I enjoy the PROCESS of training but have a love-hate with the clock. I'm grateful to be able to toe the line at all.

In the words of the famous athlete, Willie Nelson: "On the road, again... Just can't wait to get on the road, again... The life I love is running miles with my friends... & I can't wait to get on the road, again..." 6 miles-- no brace- no tape
1/2 marathon in less than 2 weeks! I need to get back what I've lost, training wise! But I'm on the road, again!

I have another 1/2 in a couple of weeks. I'm getting a bit nervous about my low mileage & not being able to run them, yet. I was able to walk-gimp a couple of trail miles, today, with no brace. While the doctor gave the ok to run, the ligaments are still very sore! I got a few good "ouch" moments as I got full range of motion on a couple of missteps. I paid for a race & I plan to attend it-- but running may not be possible. Just ONCE I would like to do a race at 100% healthy. I don't know what that would feel like-- except complete elation...

Camelbak Circuit review: can be used as a vest with small "backpack" for storage because the bladder is completely removable! My old Camelbak was not like this- it was strictly for holding liquids. Interior of vest is an almost fabric mesh- breathable & not abrasive to my most delicate INKnBURN fabrics. (Mind you this was a short hike. Will test on my longer runs as well.) Bottom chest strap is elastic. I see no abrasive wear marks on my shirt. Top chest strap is a heavier nylon fabric but I still see no wear marks on my shirt. 2 front easily accessible/drawstring pockets were good for small handhelds & I didn't even use the front zippered pouch or elastic mesh pouch/pocket. Side stabilizing straps are also made of straps are also made of nylon & have ample room for adjustments. Left or right side option for feeding out the hose from back pack. I'm not completely sold until I take this baby on a few long runs on the trail-- but I suspect it will held up just fine. Life time guarantee doesn't surprise me-- it's well made. I like the colors, too.

Ugh! Hurt again & trying not to be totally bummed & feeling sorry for myself. Training was going well. It was to be "year of the ultra." I'm done planning for an ultra. I get hurt too often.

I reflect on Jim laughing when I told him I wanted to start running. I was so mad that he laughed in disbelief & told me I couldn't. In hindsight he said it was because I get hurt a lot "no offense".

The original mom that encouraged me to run said that she didn't know of anyone that got hurt more than me. So what is it? Why am I getting hurt more than others? Is it my complete lack of training & experimenting with my limits because I don't know I'm "not supposed to"? Am I really that awkwardly accident prone? Am I genetically inferior or muscularly imbalanced that makes me injury prone?

I was tired of laying around & may have overdid it, yesterday- going to work, trying to do yard work & clean the garage. I figured if Jim was working, we should equally be putting forth effort at home. I felt my ankle "give" & almost fell down. I was on crutches later that evening.

Today I am "ibuprofened", a brace & crutches.

I need to chill. I have work & life... & races still coming up. I need to realistically decide what my course of action will be. I see friends do trail runs with extreme elevation. I see extreme mileage being performed. I see multiple races being accomplished in a week by many. Why can't I do it, too? I should be grateful I can heal & try again... but seriously... why am I getting hurt in the first place? Is it really my tracking from my hip, still? --No answers of why it moves out of location except that I'm putting "excessive stress" from increased miles... I had trauma from having kids & my dog "torqueing" me a few years, ago. 

I don't want to be an immobile-heavy set- kids embarrassed of me- mom riddled with medical problems. I'd rather be the energetic mom kicking miles & telling stories of races! For now, I'm the gritting my teeth mom, on crutches, eating ice cream... dreaming & planning my next trail race.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve...