Epiphany this week: begging. I've always been a curt person. I have things to do & time schedules to keep. At work, a gentleman showed me a puzzle & asks, "How did we do it?" I examined it, made a few comments & said I didn't know. I was overly complimentary & polite, fully expecting the gentleman to then enlighten me. Instead he smirked a "superior" smile & asked again, with a taunting, "Can't figure it out?" I looked again, "No... but honestly, I don't really care." His smile quickly faded & he uncomfortably asked for & took the puzzle from my hand. He refused an explanation after this...

Scenario 2: a FB friend offers a code for a discount to a race. I don't respond right away because I need to check my calendar. I forget & ask, privately, later. "The codes are all gone," he responds in a PM. Later, again, he publicly announces, on FB that he received more codes, "Anyone interested?" I publicly say yes. Publicly, I am told I need to PM and ask for the code. What? I did, originally. I respond- publicly- & am told to ask a third time, privately. I think, 'What difference does it make?' I can see him PM'ing me a code after I ask. It may seem like just one more small step; but in my mind, it is me asking a third time-- begging? I publicly respond that I DID PM & he said 'no.' "PM me again, I just got new codes." Me: *thinking but not saying* "I'm not begging."

And that's when it hits me: the subject of begging & the thought of someone tauntingly holding something over my head like a bigger kid holding a smaller child's hat "just out of reach." Whether they realize it or not, it's a head game & I usually refuse to play.

As I dwell on this newly realized concept, I have the epiphany of how this has played into many other
life situations. My mother: she was expected to have a son to carry on the family name. (Inner turmoil: knowing SHE felt she "had" to have children until the male child was born.) In the Hispanic culture, girls are work horses, expected to grow & take care of their families. In some extreme cases, they are considered more like property than people- able to be traded and married off with little input. My mom made no secret that my brother was wanted & had he come first, she would have had no more kids. Do you know what that felt like growing up- knowing your sister and yourself just happened to be around because of birth order? Do you know what it feels like reflecting: "Well, at least she didn't give me up for adoption." That's what I'm grateful for?! I have numerous mommy-issues that I won't dwell on much more except that I finally realized, "I don't have to play the game." I don't want to perpetuate the game, either. My mom started the same "games" with our girls. I told her no & she didn't like that-- at all. One key difference: she smothered them with kisses & told them she loved them. I have yet to hear "love you or proud of you" from my mother. I can cry about it or just not play the game. I refuse to play the game.

Religion: the same principle applies in religion. If I was doing my all as a female, why should I beg & cry when I'm not given privileges because I'm not male? I just won't play the game if it won't go anywhere.

Our girls are NOT secondary citizens. I will NOT tell the girls- ours or others- not to try. I want any girl to think & become anything she works hard to achieve. AND-- our girls will know we love them, like them, WANTED them & support them as a human, being neither pro-male nor pro-female.

My eyes are wide open, nowadays. I play some games... other games, I'm boycotting. I'm not mad; I'm just picking different rules & a different team.