Yesterday was a tough, First World Problem day. It's only week 2 of marathon training & I'm feeling my left Achilles strain. I usually get hurt during marathon training. This time expects to be no different. I tried to do a tempo run, yesterday. It was the end of the day- before work- with no caffeine left in me. I took Lucy. I had a hard time breathing & Lucy couldn't keep up. I was pulling on her leash. I started yelling at her. I felt like a complete creep but I did it, again. I went to spank her & she just stopped & looked at me with the most sad eyes... I felt like a complete @$$-- the lowest of creepy low... Why was I taking it out on her?! I knew I was fighting my own insecurities & funneling them to her. I saw Jillian in Lucy. Both are timid and would allow abusive behavior toward them. I've always advocated for them &, here I was, turning the tables. How confusing it must have been to her.

What put me in this mood? First world problem: marathon training. I went to Runner's World & entered some race times into their pace calculator. It gave me a marathon time of 4:38. I'm training with the 4:05 pace group. RW had me 1/2 hr behind what I'm working toward. While I KNOW it's just a cold calculator with no real insight, I took it as "fate"... the "writing on the wall"... an absolute truth that I wouldn't escape. I was crushed. I felt the same defeated way remembering my mom & husband not believing I could run. While I tried to prove them wrong, there was still a half heartedness in my training- believing them. As I approached my first marathon finish line, I remember so clearly thinking: "I did it! There it is! They said I couldn't. I did..." Yet, I didn't consider myself a runner for a long time, afterwards. I cried as the woman gave me my medal. She put it around my neck. "I did it," was all I could choke out as I sobbed. She hugged my sweaty, cold body & said, "Yes, you did." She had no clue what I meant... what I was thinking... I had seen Jim as I turned the corner before the home stretch. He had been following me on GPS & yelled out to me. I thought of how he would see me proving him wrong. I didn't want to "rub anyone's nose in anything." I just wanted to show: "Yes, I can." --Now, here was a computer telling me what my finish time would be for my next marathon, far PAST what I am already knowing is difficult. The computer was telling me it was impossible. Would I approach it as absolute truth? I did yesterday & I was broken & mad.

Today is a different story. I was surprised at the the private messaging & supportive comments that I received, last night. I was a creep, yesterday, to my dog. I felt people SHOULDN'T be nice to me because I was so bad. I see, now, it was a reaction. I am RESPONDING, today; foremost, with an apology to my dog. She wagged her tail and gave no sign that she was holding a grudge. I lowered myself & she thought we were playing. Not feeling worthy of her forgiveness, I actually told her I was sorry & cried. She wiggled, wagged her tail & put her head on my hands as I rubbed behind her ears. I don't deserve her. Next I apologized to Jillian, Lucy's spirit human and through this blog post I hope to apologize to all who heard me whine, yesterday.

I have a plan in action. I AM shooting for a 4:05 marathon time-- there, I said it. It is a grandiose plan for me. I have yet to hold that pace for a marathon. I AM, however, training with a group, for the first time. I am running more days a week then I EVER have, before in my LIFE. I am running-- with Jim, now. His pace is currently slower than my own; but he has gotten me out the door to get my miles when I didn't feel I mentally could. I am also cutting back on sugar/daily empty calories. If I can lose a few pounds this will translate into speed. I have a chiropractor appointment & hopefully he can keep this old girl's frame aligned & on the road.

SO--- I'm shooting for a 4:05 (Plan A) but I'd consider it a win if my finish time was anywhere between 4:00 to 4:20. There is a lot of room to play there. I think if I train high & even if I land "lower" than I trained for, I will be happy-- at least for awhile. I have the Chicago Marathon, too, this year! Always striving to improve... & prove to myself & others that I "can"... & if I can... they can, too!