I was listening to a RW/Human Race podcasts at work. An interview with a member of the Sub-30 club struck a chord with me. She mentioned her husband's "arrogant" friends demeaning people's race pace by trying to "define" with a definite number what running "was." It struck a nerve. I've never felt like a runner because a long time ago, my husband said I couldn't. My mom sneered, "What are you doing?!" I kept trying, fumbling & getting injured as I logged solo miles/hiding in the woods. As I got some "confidence", someone told me I "wasn't running" at my race pace. It stuck & I STAYED a solo runner for years!!! As my pace improved, his definition of "running" changed! I was SO MAD & so hurt realizing I was chasing one (non-running) person's definition of "running." I knew I would never reach a "text book definition" of running. For years I believed I "sucked." Oddly, I stuck with it. While I don't mean to keep beating up my husband, mom & family for their words, I still couldn't "get over it." I still "hear" those words, today, in my own head. My husband has apologized profusely. His actions of embracing running, now, & supporting my endeavors are a complete 180*. He understands the struggle, now, is very empathetic & supportive... yet, I still beat myself up.

I've tried to support others despite their pace because I know how much it hurt. While I've gotten faster... it still NEVER seems fast enough. I "know" I'm faster & encourage new runners at every age, size & pace-- but I still fight that inner voice that tells me it's not good enough, that it will never be good enough... My "value" is based on performance. While I "know" it's not true... I kind of believe it IS true. "What's the point of training if I don't see numbers reflecting a good performance?" It is a two edged sword. I hold myself accountable & still juggle being merciful...

It was a soul searching podcast & I joined their FB group. I didn't pour my heart out to them but it was an eye opening moment. It helped me realize the root cause of much of my running insecurities. I realized my ego... my identity... my confidence... were all based on needing to provide consistent quantifiable performances. As a human, there are too many variables to be one linear acceleration of performance over the years. I know this & yet I still expect it.

I got teary at work. Despite being cerebral about all of this, emotions are involved. Hearing someone else say exactly what has impacted me & know it was "wrong" was a very "supported" feeling. -Knowing is 1/2 the battle... & maybe, now, I have the insight to know how to turn down that inner voice-- better yet, maybe I can shut off that arrogant voice...