Monday, February 9, 2015

I can't be the only one that keeps questioning their abilities. It gets just as tiresome to BELIEVE & QUESTION my abilities, as it is to say it to my family. As I gathered myself for a run, my mind played all the negative talk that has become so familiar.

My training schedule had an easy 3 miler... so I knew I "could" do it. I was not worried about a 3 miler... until I got OUT there. "It's too cold. It's too icy. I'm going to slip & crack my head! I didn't wear enough layers. I'm lonely doing this by myself..."

I knew I had to TRY despite however cold I was... Lucy & I ran to the end of the trail. (We usually go past the Metropark entry but it is piled impassably HIGH with snow.) We turned around & I swore I would run straight back to my van. Lucy was oblivious to my discomfort & was happy to be out. She seemed unaffected by the cold & was eager to sniff her surroundings. I knew she would want to be out longer than a mile. I went through the regular "guilt trip" reminding myself how disappointed I would be in myself if I only ran one. "It took longer to get dressed, drive to the Metropark, get cleaned up afterwards & change... Longer than the run itself. Just do it..." Eventually, I warmed up "enough" & ran past my van. I knew the upcoming tree line would break the wind & it would soon feel "warmer". The trail was icy but I was in no real discomfort. There was no PHYSICAL reason not to continue...

As I approached the turn around, I saw a man running. He was not in usual running attire. He wore khakis, an open Carhart  jacket, a hat in his hand & phone in his other hand. I surmised he was hiking & upped his pace. I gave him a double thumbs up & a loud "Good job, Man!" He looked confused then smiled. He seemed as if he was concentrating on his breathing. (I've seen 'the look', before... I've HAD the 'look' before...) I turned around & picked up the pace. It was not fast but I was feeling grateful for life, health, the opportunity to run...

I reflected on my initial mindset & realized THIS is why I run. I need to prove it to myself. I caught myself downgrading my form, my abilities... & shortly afterwards praised my own efforts.

Running is exercise: physically & mentally. I would NEVER speak to my girls what I mentally say in my own mind about myself- the constant need for performance... I realize running is my own form of self-kindness. My lack of self-mercy is followed by self-merciful expressions...

I finish feeling proud that I DID it... & wishing I would have gone farther... Tomorrow is another day to battle.

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