On this day, 2 years ago, Jim was fighting what we thought was the flu. He refused to go to the doctor. I dragged him to an urgent care office, after I dropped the girls off at school. I thought it would be a visit, a prescription & home to bed. He had a seizure in the parking lot & never even made it into the building. He was taken to the hospital & induced into a coma. Eventually he was life flighted to Cleveland Clinic. As I reflect on where we were & what we went through for the next year and a half, I realized it wasn't just his survival story. It unfolded into a love story- between two people & within our family. I pride myself at being analytical. I almost choked the first time Jim uttered "that word." I refrained from getting too emotional for years. As Jim woke up then went through a year of rehab, this "guarded heart" became a "bleeding heart." 

Yesterday, as I reflected on this, I couldn't control my emotions. I was supposed to run with my running group. I started with them & was able to run 11 miles. I once had a strong ability to "shut it off," emotionally. I couldn't. I left my group & sobbed for hours. I "ugly cried" on the trail as I walked back to my van. I cried in my van. I cried on the way home and as soon as I saw Jim, I gave him a sweaty-gross bear hug & sobbed more. I cried in the shower & decided I should just try to take a nap & "stop" so I wouldn't freak my family out. "Is this menopause? What is WRONG with me?!" I haven't cried that long in a LONG time. I've cried more since his recovery than when he was sick... or more than I can EVER remember crying, really. -I know people that are sick have it bad. Jim was so physically fragile that the girls & I worked & went into protective overdrive. What is often over looked are care givers. This experience was awful for myself & the girls as well. I was physically drained & trying to be emotionally "off" so I wouldn't collapse. I had to focus on juggling work, the girls, care giving responsibilities & home life.  They were juggling school, their own fears & taking care of their father. Three lionesses protecting the lion king until he could get up on his own. He did.

 

Today is the two year anniversary of Jim's admittance to the hospital. It has been a life altering event. He is a survivor. I understand, now, why cancer survivors wear that badge so honorably. It takes a true warrior to fight with every ounce of breath & strength when it hurts & you're so tired.

I see families separating & it makes me terribly sad. Ours is stronger now than it has ever been & I am grateful.