I never want to demean anyone's abilities or TRY to reveal "confidential talk". I am HONEST about situations, though. As a person who wants facts & progress reports, open about feelings or lack thereof... I just appreciate honesty & learn by trial & error. If my errors or experiences help my kids to avoid problems, then I absolutely will explain ANYTHING. If my running "crash & burns" help others avoid a pitfall, I share. Should I have known better- possibly. How does a newbie "know" unless they experience it or hear about it, though?

I was gun-shy to share Jim's physical issues, this past year. I wanted to be private... but I needed support, too. We were dealing with life or death decisions & I was feeling the stress. I wanted the privacy & wanted a hug without people touching me all at the same time. So WHY do I share, now? It's not to belittle Jim. It's to bring awareness & educate people on something I knew NOTHING about, previously. Jim's recovery is slow-going & we have no one that has ever experienced this, locally. IF this terrible thing ever happens to anyone else, I hope we can offer assistance.

Why do I share info about trail running, running buddies, injuries, gear, races...? Same reason- to educate & say what works for me... what doesn't... trial period lengths, etc. Someone is going to experience the same thing. I was told: "What happens on the trail, stays on the trail..." To some extent, I understand. But what if someone else learns from your mistake? Isn't it better to share?

I do NOT mean to demean my fellow running companions. I suspect they will show me up at races. I suspect we will have good runs & bad runs. It's the nature of the human experience. I tried running with other wives & moms. It wasn't a "fit" for me. They enjoyed each other's company. I was the odd man out. I did not mean to condemn them. They apparently enjoy each other's company. So why do I share that it wasn't a "good fit for me"- condemnation? No- I share as an example. I wrote off running with others after that experience. I was wrong. The new moms I'm running with are a good fit- pace & personality-wise. There was an adjustment on MY part, mentally. There is an adjustment on their part- terrain. I wrote about "waiting for them." Did I mean to demean my new partners' abilities? Absolutely not! I'm explaining the adjustment period- physically & mentally. What they pulled off on their first visit to Oak Openings is more than I was able to do! I commend their abilities & look forward to many miles, together.

I am candid- not demeaning. I talk about blisters, boogers, wind, rain, Yak Trax, nutrition, my floppy belly... I speak about my fears, my hopes... I worry about my husband. I worry about my girls. I HOPE my husband will get stronger sooner than later. I HOPE a good future for our girls.

I really HOPE my new running companions put up with me because in a short period of time they broke through "walls" that took years for me to put up, to keep feelings & "people" out. Now, they're "here". I respect them dearly... *said the guarded heart*

Something happened this weekend- a realization... an epiphany... a let down of my guard... a need met- call it what you want. I've trained & logged many miles, solo. During those years, I've exceeded my goals... I've fallen short of my goals. I've pushed myself to go out & injured myself, then shown myself mercy & gave myself time off.

I tried training with some other people in the past; but the pace was wrong or the personalities were uncomfortable; so I gave up on running with people. Lucy, my dog, could do some miles with me. Hubby would even log some miles with me; but, their pace or distance wasn't a "match". So I kept at it solo. It wasn't terrible but I got lonely, sometimes.

Recently, I considered a Spring marathon. I've only done 1/2 marathons in the Spring- usually because I'd get hurt over the winter. I saw a fellow runner posting about multiple marathons. The few times I saw her at races, we had similar times & her disposition was ALWAYS kind. I wasn't expecting "anything" but I told her my Spring contemplations. I offered to run together "sometime". I had no real intentions of her calling me out on it because she lives an hour away! She planned a visit & I planned a route on our local trails. Bonnie told me she would bring a friend. I thought: "Great! What if I don't like her? I'm just getting up the nerve to run with one person... Now I have to run with TWO?!" -In my defense, I was going by experience. I was asked by one mom to run & 2 other moms also came. All moms- a good match, right? -I left in tears.

 

Would this new plan end up being the same? "Probably!" I showed up, anyways. Sandy was chatty & a laugher when I met her. I am a nervous talker; but, I just kept quiet. I lead the group & had mixed feelings. They logged the distance on the trails but I had to stop or walk at times for them to catch up. Not really a big deal. I considered it my "good deed": a good work-out for them. I reflected that they were strong enough to finish the mileage- good for them! They were strong, just not used to trails.

 

As we met at races, I had the mentality that I've heard & been shown: "Every man for himself on race day." I didn't promise to run with anyone because I didn't know what I'd be able to do, myself. I offered a slow pace & Sandy said she "couldn't". It would be too slow. I ended up way faster than I expected-- & there was Sandy, right behind me, the whole time. Again, I thought: "She'll fall behind or pass me." She stayed pretty close, I cheered her on but didn't slow down for her. I was trying to hold myself together. At the finish line, she went to the curb, gasping. She thanked me for pacing her. (Silently: "What?") Later that same day, we had a similar 5K. I didn't think I'd have much in the tank; but, I ran a pretty fast 5K. Not far behind me was Sandy, again-- gasping-- thanking me for motivating her.

 

This weekend, I wasn't expecting much. I knew it was a "funk week" for me & I told the ladies that... They still wanted to come over for a 20 miler. I started too fast & was ahead of them; I slowed down. The other two were behind me & while I felt a twinge of guilt, I led the group. It was a straight "out & back" route. Sandy had some knee issues, we slowed & waited while she adjusted her knee support. I wasn't upset but she apologized. I fell into a pace next to her & waved her "on". She told me she didn't want to lead. I told her it was ok. (Her pace would be our pace.) We silently ran alongside each other. We weren't competing, we were running together... & for the FIRST TIME EVER, it "clicked". This is why people run together. We said a few words of encouragement to each other but mostly "were just together." THEN, I felt it- my Achilles. It had been tight for a few days & I questioned the logic of logging high mileage. It was a small nag more than a pain... until mile 16-ish. I didn't break pace; but, for the first time running, I was allowing someone to motivate me to keep going. It wasn't Marine Corps yelling. It wasn't demeaning. It was female-support. Had I been alone, I would have walked back. But I wasn't alone. I needed the encouragement & they were there. I felt emotional... grateful. I would run 20 miles with company-- not walk. When Sandy's phone told us we hit mile 20, they cheered. I was confused. How did that seem so much easier-- even during FUNK week?

 

For the first time I found myself planning on running with someone during a race. They may need me-- & I might need them. SOOOOO STRRRRAAAAAAANGE-- but such a relief-- the thought of being in a crowd, at a race, but being ALONE, is not new for me. The "My pace- My race" motto has worked for me this long...

 

Wearing my heart on my sleeve while training/racing, helping & being helped is new to me. A week prior, I was scared to do the same route, solo. I wasn't scared going with these ladies. I feel a sense of awkwardness and relief but, it feels good... & I'm running with it.

 Sandy, myself & Bonnie on our last 20 miler before the Glass City Marathon

I haven't blogged in awhile. I am a Facebook nerd, mostly; so, I am regularly sharing, there. After a long break, I should update.

The most distracting things have been kids & hubby. Jim got down to 127 pounds. He is skin & bones & has much of my attention. His appetite is returning but his weight is slow to return. Today he weighed in at 132. Considering he was 205-210 6 months ago... with weight gain when he was sick (fluid in his belly) up to 225-- you can imagine how wrapped I am in following his numbers. We're still struggling with night sweats. Eating before bed seems to help him. I hope for stronger days, soon; but we've been told it may take a full year to recuperate. Well, we're six months "in" so I guess the glass is 1/2 full. :)

The girls are good kids-- but they are still kids. I still need to get them up in the morning & drive them to school. I get opinions often about this- but, it works for us.

Training has been going well. I've moved all my miles from trails to pavement- ow! Need to get used to the impact if I'm going for the big miles on pavement.

While training has gone well I did freak out Sunday. I had a 22 miler in my plans. I was going to take the bike trail out 11 miles then back. As I got up & prepared, I thought of the stretches of areas that would be a great place to hide a body- mine. I couldn't bring myself to get out, solo. I postponed my run until today. I made a new route in mind where I was close to the Ranger's Station & on pavement the whole time- ow! I broke it down into "laps" instead of miles. Sometimes it's a head game & I didn't want to play, Sunday. I ran one mile from the Ranger's Station parking lot to the bike trail then did 3 out & backs (5 miles each). It was a bit boring but I know the area well & felt safe. It is close enough to the ranger's station that I saw a lot of traffic from there & some regular walkers. I did not do 22. By the time I got back I had done 17. I was sore; Jim was hungry; &, I had to get Jillian to college credit plus classes. After I got home with Jillian, I made dinner, ate & figured I'd walk Lucy for my last 3 miles. We smelled a skunk & I was really hoping we wouldn't SEE that skunk. Fortunately, we didn't! We saw a small doe that came over to us wagging its tail! I talked to it like I would a puppy. :)  I took some pictures & as we started walking, it quickly leapt away. For the most part, the walk was uneventful but relaxing & needed for Lucy.

Only a few more weeks until Glass City Marathon. I have a strong 15 miles in me for my long runs. I've considered doing a PR 1/2 marathon or just doing my best at the full. Time is running out-- but my heart & stubbornness are set on the full.

So training & life go on. My heart is on the trails but my eyes are fixed on GCM roads.

I got cocky this week. It was supposed to be a cut-back week. There was a 13 miler on the schedule... I felt good, last week for a 20 miler; so, I was shooting for 21, Friday. I ended up taking Jim shopping, then for a walk, then making him something to eat. I knew I wouldn't have time for a run before I had to pick Jillian up from school, early. I was miffed but I decided I'd run Saturday.

My day was choppy. I dropped Hannah off at high school to take a placement test so she can apply and attend classes at the University of Toledo, this Fall. I was dressed & prepared to do miles down the bike trail while I waited for her. I got +6. I took her home then went to Oak Openings to finish my miles. I struggled a bit with some new gear. I didn't put enough Tailwind in the new bottles of my Orange Mud quiver. I also wore my hair down & was constantly pulling it free from the holsters. I ended up NOT taking in enough nutrition & calories & bonked at mile 18. I walked & ended up finishing 21. Honestly, I THINK I did 21. My Garmin needs a new battery & died. I guesstimated the mileage according to the mile markers. Even if I didn't do "precisely" 21, I definitely got more than 20. I reassessed what I needed to "re-do", next time. It's all good. I feel confident with the game plan.

Today, I did a 7K. I wasn't expecting too much after my long run. After yesterday's miles, I also had to go to work... went with Jim for a short walk, then had dinner. I stretched & used our TEMS unit to relax-- I needed it! I finally "popped" at my sacrum & at my left ankle. The relief was fabulous. It enabled me to do 8:30 - 8:45/min miles during the Wearin' of the Green 7K. I wasn't really "pushing" the pace but I certainly wasn't relaxing, either. I started at a 7:45 min mile. I didn't think I'd be able to hold that pace so I gradually backed off to a comfortable 8:30. There were a few times that the wind was really throwing off that pace. I was still pleased that I finished as well as I did. A PR every year, there. It's worth the drive. The mood is festive & a "green light" to dress in costume & have fun. Jim & my sister came, too! I invite my sister to all my fun runs. If she can come or not come, it's fine. I just want her to know she's invited. I invited Jim to come, yesterday, too; but, he said he couldn't. I was surprised & happy at the change of plans in the morning!!! He is still shy about others seeing him; so, I parked near the start/finish in the parking lot. Jim could people watch & watch all the runners start & finish from a sheltered area. My sister braved the weather & stood at the start & was there at the finish. We grabbed some cookies & left after awards. I couldn't leave Jim outside in the van for too much longer. (I did bring pillows & stuff to keep him comfortable.) I remember when I started to run & close family questioned my motives, abilities & sanity. I am feeling "over the moon" that my family would come & support me- willingly- now!  I cannot express how special it made me feel. I really wanted to do well for them-- so I played it a bit on the conservative side. "Yellow"  on the Jenny Hadfield exertion scale- not the orange or red "zone". The longer I run, the faster the PR will be there, every year. *YAY* Then my sister told me she is planning on coming to my marathon in April! I almost cried! I HOPE she understands the love I have for her...

So training is going better than expected. *trying not to jinx it* I WILL cut back mileage, next week. Monday: I have a Run for Pi race. Saturday: I have the Black Swamp Festival of Races in the morning. I'm doing the 25K. In the afternoon, I'm doing a promo for the Glass City Marathon: a 5K. I'm supposed to wear my GCM Ambassador shirt during the race. I'll do an 8 miler mid-week & other work out "stuff".

Amidst all of this, life goes on. Warm weather is coming. Yard work is coming... I'm so far behind on many projects but I'm excited about it all, too. Jim is gaining weight. *Sadly, so am I!* As long as Jim is making progress, it's hard to be anything but optimistic about the future.

Looking forward to many great miles & days, ahead!

And-- my hubby went for another walk, today, in the rain. We dropped kids off at school, made a few stops to find a donut suitable for his craving, this morning, then to the park. I know he gets frustrated that he can't do what he used to. I remind him that when others start walking, again, it is in a rehab place with bars to steady themselves. "You skipped that & moved on to real life scenarios. There are no bars, here..." I offered my arm a few times to steady him. He refused. Whether it's a lap in the parking lot, a race or weight lifting I see that athletic/stubborn/I'm going to do this attitude showing in both of us. We got to the van & he told me he thought he was going to throw up. I've had that feeling. I told him it was because he exerted himself. He reminded me that he had a full breakfast, too. Whether it's a lap in a parking lot or a long run, we may doubt our abilities but when it's done, there is a great sense of accomplishment. Jim went a bit faster, today, despite being sore from yesterday. He didn't do 2 laps like he announced, yesterday; but he was out in the rain. He is announcing that he will be out, again, tomorrow. I believe him. I think he's going to make a fierce comeback sooner than later.

My husband has been sick. I've been very candid about that...

Jim used to weigh between 205-210 & was in the 400 club. Meaning: he could bench press over 400 pounds multiple times. Seeing him get sick in September was hard. It was surreal-- but seeing him lose so much weight & seeing him so emaciated, now, has been scary. His weight rose when his abdomen filled with fluid. His weight rose to 224. Now, it has dropped from a past weight of 210 pounds to 129 pounds. I share this information, now; because, he is finally starting to GAIN weight. It's only a few pounds more, but he's not losing, anymore! He says it is WORK for him to eat. I can't comprehend... It's not work for ME to eat. ;) It is difficult sometimes to be patient & stop what I'm doing to make what he is in the mood to eat... but, the starving man receives anything he asks for.

Today was a good day. Jim is still frail & he has aged before my eyes... but, he is becoming more active & accompanying me more as I run errands. He rode with me to the park & napped in the van as I ran. I thought we would walk a bit, together after my workout but the morning routine was tiring enough. He dresses himself, now. His equilibrium was terrible & he couldn't dress himself a month ago. It is "the little things" of independence that we take for granted that I am proud to see him do, solo.

Today, his humor & teasing were so welcome. I know he still feels crappy... but to see him smile & joke around, even for a few moments, tells me that the crappy, long moments are breaking up to shorter amounts of time, during the day. I sat on the couch before I left for work & he rubbed my feet. He talked about replacing my Garmin watch. (It really only needs a new battery.) We talked about his health, my training, our kids, their education... We just "talked" as he rubbed my feet. I sense a closeness returning that only "slowing down" can bring.

Jim gets so frustrated at his slow progress... but I remind him that he will be the ultimate "come back" story. I tell him that when others get bleak about their health or scared, he will be able to console them & truly empathize with them. He will be able to be an example that others will be able to draw strength from...

I do NOT want anyone to go through this as a family... but it has been a truly humbling experience for all of us. I need to slow down & listen to Jim's needs. I need to stay positive for him... because if the roles were reversed, I'm sure I would be wallowing in self-pity. Jim needs to see how far he's come & also stay positive. I shared some photos I took of him in the hospital. He gasped & was quiet. It was sobering. He remembers none of it.

We look forward to the next few weeks & the next few pounds. I suspect his spirits will continue to rise as his strength returns. Until then, this come-back story is still being written & is "to be continued..."

I got some new gear. It's a "quiver" or "holder" for 2 water bottles, strapped to my back, instead of my Camelbak bladder. I love my Camelbak; but, during a a trail race, to refill a bladder means taking off your "vest" to refill it. The new gear is a brand named Orange Mud. Many of the INKnBURN ambassadors swear by it. The price tag was the big reason I didn't try it sooner... but as Tailwind nutrition has increased my stamina & mileage, it was time for an easier refill option. It's easier to hold out your bottle & have someone fill it up rather than your whole vest. -Took my gear for her maiden voyage, yesterday. It was very comfortable & surprisingly easy to "holster" & return the bottle, behind me. (This was my second concern.) I'm not known for being the most coordinated person. I had tried FuelBelts in the past & HATED trying to reholster a small bottle in the elastic. If I have to fuss that much, it messes up my cadence, my concentration, my pace. --I had no issues, yesterday-two thumbs up! --All of my puzzle is piecing together, finally: shoes; hydration; nutrition with no gut issues, sugar highs & crashes; great chiropractor & physical therapy exercises. I'd say things are in place for my first ultra! Let's avoid clumsy accidents & hopefully this will be year of the ultra!!!