I run because I have yet to DIE at any of these events. I may FEEL like I'm going to die... but I haven't. That's when I know I'm just listening to the old me. I have yet to control that inner voice... but I'm getting better. It's been a long time since I've been that immobilized. Tonight's race proved I'll be fine!!!

I've never been a "party girl." Tonight, my "party" was running a 5K at midnight with James Speer & quite a few Toledo Roadrunners. We ran in the pitch black darkness with flashlights, headlamps or other glowing/reflective items. We called out a warning to each other when approaching the black ice on the trail & we saw fireworks at midnight. Everyone was yelling, "Happy New Year" to each other or just whooping & cheering. Jim pushed a slightly faster pace, tonight. I could hear his breathing a bit more than usual. I made him nervous as I ran left than right of him (after we turned corners, etc). I was "told" to stay to his right. 😜 Okey- dokey... He ran this race faster 2 years ago- before he got sick... (Strange that we break down time to "pre-sickness" & "post-sickness.") Jim has his eye on who he wants to pass, eventually. We talked about how thin his legs were when he was sick. In April 2016, at his lightest weight of 127, you could see every contour of every one of his bones. His legs were emaciated & his skin literally hung on him. He didn't even want to look in the mirror. It was a very scary time. Now, at whatever the pace, he's healthy enough to participate, again. And-- I hear that competitive talk starting to rumble... I couldn't be more pleased. 💕

I have a shortie 5K with Jim, tonight, & I'm anxious. I didn't do my long run, today. I was going to go solo but "couldn't", emotionally. My left Achilles is just a bit angry & I'm probably overly freaking out in my own mind. I did leg & calf work, yesterday at the gym & probably just "over did" it. I took ibuprofen & caught up on accounting & some other projects at home. The thought of being out, late, tonight, & doing another 5K race, tomorrow-- a RACE since I'm going solo- is making my stomach flop!!! Some stuff never changes...

Swimming: yep, I went. We started with with a board & kicking. Tiring but I did it. She reminded me to relax. I was kicking too much & too "tight". I needed to "relax" between each kick. I was also focused too much on kicking "up" instead of kicking "down". -Noted- 

As I've said many times, I have to think about relaxing in the water. We quickly moved back to free style. I had to do my mental checklist: hands straight out in front of me, thumbs in, thumbs down... blah, blah, blah... On my last lesson she noted that I was releasing my breath in "bursts". Teacher: "Why are you doing that? I just tried it. It's hard & I don't like it... at all..." Me: (Not even realizing I was doing it) "I don't know." -At this lesson, I did the same thing. She addressed it, again. "Why don't you breathe out of your mouth, too?" Me: (comparing everything to running & picturing my mouth slightly open while running-- always) "What?!" (I was wondering how I would keep the water from getting into my mouth.) Teacher: "You exhale. Blow bubbles- like this." She proceeds to show me how it looks when she exhales just through her nose & then through mouth & nose. --I was dumbfounded. Only a newbie WOULDN'T know that! **Newbie = ME** As I put this new revelation into the rotation of OTHER revelations to remember while swimming, I had a revelation. I couldn't get far in my (one) lap because I was still exhaling when I turned to my side for air. This meant I was only getting a PARTIAL breath & a panicked feeling when my face was BACK in the water. I felt like I couldn't breathe! As I tried exhaling through my mouth in the water, I was free to get an easy-full- breath when I turned to my side. I went farther & didn't feel panicked "during". I also "slowed" during my strokes & kicking since I didn't feel like I was DROWNING! It WAS a revelation; but, I reverted, quickly. She asked why. "Can we please remember that I JUST learned this new technique 10 minutes ago?" We both laughed. My teacher also addressed treading water. We discussed kicks, relaxed muscles vs tight muscles in the water & how they affect buoyancy. My natural buoyancy level is at my forehead. It appears that I will need to learn how to tread water! Ugh! Let me get a little more relaxed before this wallflower moves away from the pool wall! When I was done with my lesson, I called Jim. I told him about my new found nugget of swimming gold. It was NOT a new concept to him. I told Jillian when I got home. She laughed. It wasn't a new concept to the child I put in swim lessons at four years old, either. --Well, it was to ME. 

I'm sharing this information because ONE: my teacher is awesome & picks up on things I can't even explain WHY I'm doing. She said anxiety causes people to hold on to an air reserve. It's natural. It's why when people learn the pressure is "off", they sigh & exhale. In essence, I was doing the same in swimming. I was releasing my breath in spurts, trying to hold on to a reserve. How did she SEE that?! She saw it because she's AMAZING, is attentive and cares! She addresses my form but also gives me ANSWERS that appeal to my over thinking brain. ;)

The other reason I am so frank with my training is because I WAS a closet runner... & initially a (trying) closet swimmer. I find by sharing information, fellow wallflowers approach me & tell me their stories. They're secretly wanting to do the same thing. Seeing someone else FRANKLY start a new endeavor reminds us that it's not that far out of reach. It's not impossible. If people see there is a struggle- but advancement-- & I didn't die-- they are emboldened to try too. My red, sputtering, running face or soggy swim-hair is an "OK" to have a red face, too. It's OK not knowing the answer & learning as you go. It IS a very vulnerable feeling- learning something new. Seeing someone ahead of you & knowing what to expect is half of the fear "removed." A chuckle along the way is good, too. The reward when you conquer fear is pretty liberating!


After my swim lesson, I did errands & got a few things done at home. My work schedule has changed so that I have Tuesday evenings off from work. Marathon in Training starts next week & last night was a meet & greet. We assembled at The Maumee Indoor theatre. There were coaches & members. We heard about the program, the directors, the track work outs, the long run logistics. We discussed races, met each pace team, received gear & filled out questionnaires. I asked Jim to come with me. He did. I was planning on quietly observing when I saw one of my daughter's previous teachers. She waved across the theatre. I "quietly" waved back in a way that probably seemed "cold". I was being a wallflower, again. At the end of the meeting, I looked up enough to see another teacher! (They were both sitting in the row in front of us. Jim pointed them out-- duh!) We talked about our own goals & what we want from the program. These teachers are also newbies to the program, like me. They are younger than me... but we're all "in the same boat." 

I have NO IDEA if my running goal is too grandiose. I don't think it is. I'm serious, this year. I don't think my swimming is out of reach, anymore, either. I don't foresee I'll be ready for any Tri, anytime soon-- but I'm more confident in the possibilities than ever before. I'm putting money into these goals, this year; &, I want results. The results will come OUT depending on how much I put IN to it. I'm ready...

Words cannot express how amazed I am at Jim's abilities. He is far beyond my abilities when I was doing the same mileage. His mechanics are better than my own. His recovery appears faster. I am sure it is because he is a more well rounded athlete. He makes sure he does his weightlifting- which strengthens his legs & hips for running & gives a balance to his upper body strength, as well.

I was a bit worried about his Spring goal. He hasn't signed up for his Spring 1/2 marathon "officially", yet. He won a free race registration that he must use by January 31st. I told him we could train until then & then he could decide. He had been staying at 5-6 miles for his long run & I worried that at this rate he wouldn't have enough distance during his long runs to do a 1/2 marathon, comfortably, on race day. --WELL-- he proved me wrong, yesterday. He did 8 miles!

If there is one thing that I can't stress enough- that is a BIG piece of the puzzle: NUTRITION. (I WISH I was better at it, daily!)  Before a long run & during a long run, I've finally dialed in to what works for me. I was hoping it would work for Jim, as well. I got up, Sunday (Christmas) & got ready for a long run, expecting to go solo. My preparations in the kitchen woke Jim up & he came out. "Watcha' doing?" he asked. "Getting ready for a long run," was my answer. "Then I'll go, too."

I talked to him about oatmeal & walnuts. I prepared my Tailwind drink for the run. I fully expected him to run 5 or 6 miles with me. We started with Lucy & his plan was for 6. We planned a route & I told him upon our return, I would give him Lucy & I'd do another 4 before coming home. As we approached 3 miles, I was ready to turn around. "Let's go to the stop sign," Jim said. (Hmmmm... that would be closer to 3.5 which would give him 7, today.) We made it to the stop sign & Jim said, "Keep going. I want to get to 4." "You know that will give you 8?" (I find simple math difficult sometimes when running. Maybe he was having the same difficulty figuring out he was going way over his previous 6 miler.) "I know I say I don't like to change the plan... but I'm feeling good." -I reminded him it was the oatmeal. Me: "Next time add walnuts & you'll be Superman." I made sure he had a chance at Tailwind Nutrition at every mile. He drank approximately every other mile but never "bonked" & easily did 8. I made sure not to push the pace & just stayed with him. I was both shocked & elated. I have no doubt he will hit at least 12 miles before his Spring race, now!

At this point, I start my own training with the Dave's Marathon in Training group at the beginning of January. (I'm getting butterflies NOW, just typing this...) I have my own pace to improve as well as my own Spring race to focus on...

I was (mentally) sick on Friday. It was my parents' anniversary & I haven't spoken to them in over a year. I felt hypocritical calling them out of the clear blue sky after so long with no communication. The thought of my mother harping on me for not calling in so long & demeaning how I raise our girls made me implode. -I just couldn't do it. I couldn't run. I couldn't do much but do some stuff around the house to stay busy. As I heard my mom's voice from the past (on my wedding day) saying, "S-A-R-A-H... you'd better NOT mess this up..." (Hmmmm... thanks? And, if it does fail... what makes you think it will be MY fault?!) I heard her other comments from the past & they resonate more now that I have daughters. Our beautiful girls that need to be reminded they are beautiful & told they can become anything they work hard enough for... They are not "less" than boys... --Enough said. I was pretty broken in spirit. I took the day off. As I scrolled through Facebook, I saw an advertisement for a trail race out West. The views were beautiful & I reflected how much running has allowed me to put away many of those old feelings. Some people & relationships will never change. Running helps you focus on good things. It reminds you of all there is in life to be grateful for... As I run miles with Jim, now, we look forward to some of these trail races in the mountains or near the ocean. They are a new chapter in our life. Maybe, eventually our girls will join us. THAT would be AMAZZZZZZING!!!

I have MUCH to be grateful for. You CAN break old habits, negative thinking & familial cycles. I am excited & nervous at new chapters opening... but that is the beauty of life. The safe rides are often boring. You can make the "ride" as exciting as you can tolerate... You can go it alone but the ride is more fun if you have family with you. :)

(Sledding with the girls, later in the day.) 

It's THAT time of year, again. People are resolving what they want to do differently. I've never been one to making a New Year's Resolution. If I decide to do something, it's a process- mini goals to reach a bigger goal. There is ONE thing to consider this time of year, however: deadlines. On January 01, 2017 the prices go up for our local Mercy Health Glass City Marathon, Owens Corning 1/2 Marathon, Yark 5-Person Relay, Medical Mutual Glass City 5K and the Findley Davie's Kid's races. Take advantage of the 2016 prices before prices go up.

 REGISTER, HERE

Our local running group gives back to local charities. Not only are you doing something good for yourself, you are doing good for the community... just sign up before you have to pay more than you need to... 

This morning I got a private message from a mom. She has been thinking about the marathon training group that I signed up for. She had questions. I shared what I knew... but since it's the first time I've ever done it, there were questions I couldn't answer. I have my own questions, so I invited her to the meet & greet.

This is why I share the "process." There are other people, like me, that have never done this stuff before. We're embarrassed to put ourselves "out there" thinking we're SO different or that others will make fun of us. We're uncomfortable at the idea that others will see our weaknesses or our inabilities. Guess what- they will! But on the flip side, they will also see your strengths... & my strengths. We're human- with BOTH weaknesses AND strengths. We focus on our weaknesses & it stops us from taking risks. We need to remember we also have STRENGTHS. These should be allowed to shine. -Training alone has gotten me "so far." I'm still a wallflower but I want to improve beyond what I can do by myself, now. I've made enough mistakes, alone, that I don't think I'll make a COMPLETE fool of myself. No doubt, I WILL still do stupid stuff... but that's my personal learning curve. I'm paying someone to teach me & I'm holding them to it. I'm ready to put forth the effort & I'm confident that it will happen. How "much" will happen? I have no clue. I don't know what "potential" I have. --So I write down & share my trepidations, my awkwardness, my inexperience, my goals & my sputtering red face... for the sake of calling more wallflowers.

Wallflowers unite! (Except quietly, in our own corners, just watching each other...) 😆 Kidding... I'm hoping others will see themselves in my complete "don't know what I'm doing" story... & it motivates them to try something new. I have to say, trying something new & getting better at it- REALLY empowers you to try something a bit more bold & out of your comfort zone. If sharing the raw story empowers you- great! I'm feeling like Star Trek- boldly going where no me has gone before! 🖖🏼 Join me, Wallflowers!

I did miles with a fellow Mercy Health Glass City Marathon Ambassador, this morning. She's faster than me but was nice about it. :) Miles through the snow gave us a good work out... then we opted for the less snowy bike trail. We did a faster pace than when I am running solo or with Jim, but it was not "uncomfortable". I am usually "awkward" running with anyone. This is partly because I've never grown up doing many group activities. I'm not used to the "back & forth" of common conversational etiquette. When I'm done with a run, I usually write about it & many feel I'm sharing confidential talk. "What happens on the trail stays on the trail," I was told afterwards. Ummm-- not really. What happens on the trail is a learning experience that I usually share... unless it really IS heartfelt, confidential talk- that is "private talk"- usually "therapy." That really is: "off the record." -Today was chit chat about ambassador-ship stuff, training, kids, family, group runs, races... We saw deer with snow around their muzzles as they ate snow-- watching us run by. I laughed as we were "the show." -It's the first time I've run with Lisa. She has a good heart. She loves her family & running. She didn't make fun of my ducky tracks in the snow against her straight, long stride foot steps- even after I pointed them out. We were planning on 6 miles. We did 6.42. This bugged her when we got back to the parking lot so she ran until she got an even 6 1/2 miles. I did not run. I recorded her, however. ;) Then it was a quick good bye as we hurried home to families. Whether she knows it or not, she gave me a boost (verbally foremost). I start my Marathon in Training group in a couple of weeks. I know NOTHING about track work outs which is why I signed up. I know training with Jim is good... but I need to train with people that are faster than me to push me. I wasn't ready to train with people- until now. She gave me a pep talk that I'd be "fine". Will we run again, together? Possibly. I usually don't ask people to run, with me... I'm an introvert at heart but am becoming more extroverted. I tell people that I am not a "social butterfly- flitting from conversation to conversation." Jim's step mom says I am "blossoming." (I HAVE called myself a late-bloomer.) Jim's step dad says I am turning into a social butterfly. ME: "Not really... maybe someday. Right now I'm a pupa." 😳😲😊😁😆😂 We'll see how far I come out of my shell after this group training. 🤗