(Oak Openings' Yellow Trail: it always cures my troubled heart.)

 

To say that these past few months have been filled with ups & downs would be an understatement! Jim went from complete bed rest to eating, yesterday! I've dealt with doctors, teachers, hospitals, work, employees, accountants, specialists, deadlines, household responsibilities, accusatory remarks...

 

It's hard "holding it all, together." My sister calls me the "family glue"; but, I've never felt so out of control in all my life. I'm trying to still keep a balanced life for the girls but it has been far from normal. I'm trying to take care of Jim & yet I feel like a waitress & a nurse more than a wife.

 

 I wouldn't say that running is my MOST favorite thing in life--> but without out it, I'm sure I would have reached a breaking point by this time. I am anxious over what the new year will bring... I am hopeful at what the new year will bring... I will juggle what the new year will bring.

 

It is difficult not being able to plan my race schedule for 2016, yet. At this point I would have signed up for many major races by now. My "responsible side" finds this difficult to indulge in, right now, knowing that our family's situation may change at the drop of a hat...   

 

A week ago, before I took Jim back to the hospital, he told me I had to prepare myself if, through all of this, he still didn't make it. I felt sick. I thought he had given up & the fire to fight got stronger. He was so tired.  Was he giving up? I took over. I would no longer allow him to make decisions over his health care. I would presume full control over deciding when he would go to the doctor... when it was an emergency... & monitoring his life signs. I clearly couldn't trust his judgment & his discernment. I got him to the hospital & after three days in the ER & ICU, he was released. I presumed to make appointments & TELL doctors what he needed & what I wanted to see in ways of improvements- weight gain was needed & I wanted him on SOMETHING to remove the nausea & increase his appetite. I wanted a GI specialist on his case & I would presume monitoring his sugar & insulin at home. So far, so good... but I'm burned out & ready to cry- or yell... so I go into the woods, dress in clothes that make me FEEL HAPPY & log miles. I dream of running Glass City's full marathon, this Spring. I dream of my first ultra this Fall. I think of how cool my orange shoes are... I think of Jim being healthy & strong. I think of the girls in college then becoming adults, with a good job that they enjoy... SLOWLY... my mind lets go of my worries & I realize how much of a life saver running is... Running has helped my own physical & emotional well being. This, in turn, allows me to be the "glue" for my family.

 

This February, I will officially be a "SPEER" longer than I have been an "OLVERA". This is significant to me. The thought of being so close to this milestone & Jim not being healthy (or around) to appreciate it with me is heartbreaking. My family is extremely important to me. They are the center of my universe & thinking that this unit is vulnerable makes me protective. I know, if the worse would happen- as many families have endured- life would continue; but it's a sickening thought to contemplate. So I try not to. I occupy my brain with feel-good hormones as I run. I occupy my mind with plans of health & races. I plan trips, vacations & dates with my family. Some are fanciful & others are plausible- eventually.

 

My family makes me joyful. Life gets in the way, sometimes. Running keeps me happy to deal with life.