I'm fighting guilt. Hindsight is 20/20 but hindsight is definitely not always merciful. Apparently Jim's decline this month is "still" pancreatitis. Acute pancreatitis is what landed him in the hospital in September. His multiple organ failures were eventually resolved. What landed Jim in the hospital again, yesterday, is chronic pancreatitis. Basically, his pancreas is damaged from "round one" & he  will probably have bouts with it for the rest of his life.

While Jim's pancreas was "waking up" & beginning to make insulin, again, added injections were sending Jim's sugar too low- dangerously low. Doctors  (plural) said he "probably didn't need the insulin, anymore"- that his pancreas was coming back online, too. A blood test was suggested by the Cleveland doctor- to be done at home, by our primary care physician- to confirm if he really didn't need insulin, anymore. Jim's local doctor said we could get the test done --- or --- we could monitor for a month & give him our numbers. Jim promised but didn't follow through with checking, daily. I reminded him a few times but eventually dropped it. Jim was irritated & tired of being poked & prodded & he didn't want me reminding him of what he was "supposed" to do. I didn't want to be a nag so I dropped it when Jim told me he could tell if he was "low" or "high". I believed him because my experience is that I can tell if my sugar gets weird.

Yesterday: his breathing had been labored for a couple of days. I tried to sneak in a couple of calls to his doctor & Cleveland Clinic- to see what was normal, dangerous & to-the-ER-life-threatening-critical. I DID tell Jim that I got no answers. After worrying about his breathing & Jim still refusing to commit to letting me make an appointment, I saw him vomit. To my surprise, he still wouldn't admit to feeling really bad. He just wanted to lay in bed & drink water (lots of water)- not eat, couldn't make it to the bathroom without extreme effort- but still he just wanted to be left alone. I seriously didn't think he'd make it until Monday to get him to his primary care physician. I told Jim we should go to the hospital. Maybe they would give us a prescription for low blood pressure... maybe they would give him a few hours & an IV for fluids. He was irritated but I got him dressed. When it came to getting him to the van- he wouldn't. He just kept laying down on the bed asking for a few more minutes, telling me he was sick. I finally said, "I know. You've been sick for weeks. I can't let you stay here. You need to get to the van or I'm calling the ambulance & they're going to take you." (A mere 'threat'.) "Do what you have to do..." & he rolled over. During that interaction, however I noted his speech- delayed, slurred or at times unresponsive. I did eventually call 911 because I couldn't carry Jim to the van. Upon arrival they confirmed his sugar was almost 800.

Had his sugar been high all month? Was this the reason his appetite was gone? Is this why he's lost so much weight? Is this why he was so dizzy & sleepy? All the signs were there in front of me that he was sliding backwards. Why wasn't I more forceful to get him in?! -His two doctors had told him it was ok- he was going to have some bad weeks- but one week was two weeks, then three weeks.

I could blame Jim for all of this. That would be easy. His leaving Cleveland Clinic was dependent on his assuming the responsibility of monitoring his blood sugar. I wanted him to go to a rehab facility because I KNEW the responsibility level of daily monitoring. I couldn't. I had kids to drive around all day. I wouldn't be home to monitor him. He seemed clear & determined so I acquiesced. He agreed to the release terms, I didn't- BUT- he was right in front of me getting weaker & weaker losing weight.

When a person is too sick to make a clear choice, it's your responsibility to do it for them. I had "suggested" a doctor visit. I insisted... but I didn't get forceful- until yesterday.

We lost a month of life & pounds off Jim's frame- not to mention damage internally- because I refused to lock horns. Ironically, when I did raise my voice, Jim scolded me, "Look at you! You're yelling at a sick man."

So why do I feel so guilty? I tried throughout the month to get him to eat- to check his sugar- to get to the doctor... Why am I frustrated? I go to the hospital & try to be helpful; yet I'm met with *sighs*. I am met with curt responses. Inside I'm saying: "I just saved your life TWICE! How about a thank you?!" but I can't get mad because he is still out of it.

"When a person is too sick to make a clear choice, it's your responsibility to do it for them."

So I remember this when I'm met with curt irritation. The guilt is because I  didn't follow through with my responsibility, sooner.

We had a blunt talk with the doctor from the ICU. I was extremely open about my frustration on the lack of guidance I had. He said Jim will not "feel" when his sugar is high until it's too late. "You HAVE to treat your pancreas as if you are insulin dependent. You HAVE to check your sugar, everyday." He will give scales & numbers to correlate with Jim's sugar numbers- finally! No vague instructions.

Jim responded to the insulin drip. His blood sugar came down but not without affecting his liver numbers & ammonia level again. They are monitoring & treating this as I type.

I hope we're on the greener side of the well-defined fence, now-- & NOT going back... to guilt or regret...

The new designs for the 2016 Glass City Races are

available to see!

(From left to right): Medical Mutual Glass City 5k, Owens Corning Half Marathon, Mercy Health Glass City Marathon, Yark 5-Person Relay Marathon and the Findley Davies Kid's Marathon.

#‎RunGCM16‬ ‪#‎RunToledo‬ ‪#‎iRunToledo‬

 

Don't Forget, Early Bird Registration Ends 12/31/15 

Marathon / 5-Person Relay / Half Marathon / 5k / Kids Marathon

REGISTER HERE

 Building my miles, again. I went out for an 8 mile trail run at Oak Openings. I still haven't committed to a race distance for Spring, yet. With Jim being in the hospital from September through October, I missed my full marathon in Detroit. He is still on the mend & I contemplate the full marathon & the amount of time that training will take. I can sign up for the 1/2 marathon, easily, now; but that would confine me to that distance. I want to still keep my options "open". -I have a solid base from years of running but I find my hip still rotates out of alignment. It is extremely painful in places no lady should ever mention. The chiropractor & my little hip rotating exercises are strengthening & alleviating the problem & discomfort. I am optimistic for a Spring 26.2 race and I was visualizing the course on my run, today. I was hopeful. I was positive that I could do the distance. -I contemplated writing about it, today & all of the hashtags I would use to describe my plans. #iCanDoIt #WheresTheTrail #GCMarathon #NoMoreInjuries #ThisOnesForJim #JimsGonnaMakeIt #WishmyGirlsWereHere #NoGoingBack #ChannelingPocahontas #YearForTheUltra #WannaTrailRun #SpiritualityInTheWoods #AmILost #DavesRunning #DavesSocks #OrangeNewtonShoes #InknBurnNerdTights  #RockMyRunMusic #ToledoRoadrunner #PoweredByTailwind #HippyTrailRunner #RunGCM16 #RunToledo #iRunToledo #NerdHerd #OakOpenings #YellowTrail #ImaBadA$$ #myPhoneDied #myGarminDied #noShameInASlowPace #IWannaBreakFourHours #ColdOnlyAtTheStart #ColdWindOnMyFace #SleevesUpThenDown #iLoveMyMetroParks #YouCanDoItToo

Yes, I got nervous this morning. Yes, I stopped for many photos. No, I don't stop for pictures during races. No, I did not walk, today. Yes, it was cold enough that my phone shut off. Yes, I forgot to charge my Garmin & it died. Yes, the run still "happened" despite documentation. Yes, I did a lot of planning & daydreaming. Yes, I had more in me but I had to go to work & had stuff to do at home. I absolutely LOVE trail running. I HOPE to do my Ultra, this year. I hope not to break my toe, again. I hope to still represent INKnBURN for many years. I hope to be an ambassador for Glass City Marathon forever. I hope to inspire others to run. -Even though I run solo most of the time, I think of fellow runners during my runs & think of potential runners. I LOVE taking pictures because hopefully it will get others to come & experience the local Metroparks.

So my plan, right now, is to keep adding a mile to my weekly long runs. I will continue to post pictures & "take you with me". -I may follow Hal Higdon's training plan, again-- or I may ask for help from an actual coach, this year. At this point, I just love to be out & dream of upcoming races... & what I'll wear. ;)

As I plan for the Spring, I can't help but think of the great people I am working with to promote our local running club, local sponsors, local charities, active lifestyle, promoting the local economy...

 

Tom Silva

Lisa Willford

Jes Taylor

Amanda Schwartz

Sarah Olvera Speer

Dean Whitmire

 

There are MANY more people working to put on this event! Race director, volunteer coordinator, promotions, every type of organization from starting line, finish line, food, first aid, security, course marshals...

I am SUPER excited to be working with such motivating people!

Last week, in addition to Jim being in bed all week-- not eating & losing MORE weight...  the dog ate something outside & had diarrhea all week! What a mess to wake up to! No one wants to clean it- so guess who gets ANOTHER body to take care of?

I had a new employee not show up for work & I needed to work MORE, in addition to STILL driving kids back & forth to high school, college & the museum... the new maniac cat getting into everything... THEN still going to work in the evening.

I feel guilty taking a short run during the day... but it's my only chance to internally cry, sometimes. I know it makes me stronger physically & emotionally... so I run for myself & my family.

I finally had to lay down the law with Jim. I explained that he could end up back in the hospital where they would force feed him. I told him that he looked anorexic & that people would say I wasn't taking care of him. I reminded him that he was able to bypass the rehab facility BECAUSE he said 'we could do it on our own.' Now, if he refuses to eat & is losing more weight, he puts all of us in a serious situation. He denied it, got on the scale while I was out of the room, & realized he is down to 155 pounds. He promised to try harder to take in more calories & that he wouldn't get to 150.

I don't foresee him working anytime soon which puts quite the load on me. I'm a bit fried but winter break is coming up. The girls will help with work & we will all get some extra sleep...

As for running: trails are my therapy. I internalize & let it go on the trails... I can "pick up" when I get home. I want to train for a full marathon in the Spring, for Glass City; but realistically, being the sole care giver for Jim, I think the 1/2 marathon will be the likely choice.

I worry that something will happen to me when I'm driving home at night, from work, & I worry what position that would put our family & business in... I can't dwell on it. It reminds me to be serious & alert-- but I can't worry about it.

Life is still good. I've discussed driving with the girls for their own independence. We've discussed their high school 4- year plans as well as college planning & ACT testing dates. I feel comfortable when all know the plan. It is easier for everyone to be supportive, despite their age, when they know facts, dates, reasons & how they personally could be affected.

Until further notice, life goes on... See you at work, passing you on the road for school drop offs... on the trails... or at the starting line of the next race...

Time is running out for early bird race registration. Prices will increase December 31st (up to +$10 for some races). Toledo Roadrunners receive a discount. Look for your discount code in December's newsletter.  -Much planning goes into organizing a race. Much training goes into running a race! Don't miss out on a fast, flat course & a potential PR. Sign up, today, & save some green for your pre race pasta dinner.

https://runsignup.com/glasscitymarathon

November 23-28 recap: WHAT A WEEK, last week!!!

Monday after work, I came home late. I stopped at Kroger's & got a bag-o-salad & some avacado dressing. I asked Jim if he would like some. He said it sounded "delicious." Delicious!?! We've had to FORCE Jim to eat. He hasn't wanted to eat anything, let alone said anything sounded "delicious"! We shared a salad & he asked if I put onions in his. "A bit..." "I can taste them. Something is different, today. I can feel it..."

The prior week, he continued his insulin but cut back the long lasting insulin because he was waking up with extreme night sweats & sugar lows. (Highs were over 300 earlier in the month. Lows were below 40 & down to 24 at one point.) He had experimented with cutting down his long lasting dosage then cutting out his short acting insulin, completely. He, then, cut out his long lasting insulin completely & was just taking his short term insulin. It was all a guessing game, trying to "dial in" what he needed. It was all authorized by his doctor according to his blood sugar numbers & how he "felt". I felt helpless.

Tuesday was a "dizzy" but an ok day. We took Jillian to the art museum for her last college class of the week before heading to Cleveland. Art kids were going to eat together as a class before Thanksgiving break. That left Jim, Hannah & myself to fend for ourselves. We found & went to the Spaghetti Warehouse to eat. Jim ordered a salad & commented that he was tasting more flavors! -We picked up Jillian & drove to Cleveland. Wednesday would be a follow up appointment at Cleveland Clinic so we made arrangements to come into Euclid the night before his appointment. This would be an opportunity to get a good night's sleep. Upon parking in the driveway, Jim didn't even make it out of the van. His step-mom was seeing him for the first time in months. She hugged & held on to him. They both cried. -We talked, ate & prepped for the next day. Jim took his insulin & had the sweats, that night, again.

Wednesday, I had time for a "long run". It's funny how "short" & "long" are relative. At one time a 5 mile run would have been considered a "shortie" run. After you've been out of the process for a few months, five miles is pretty tiring & beats up your body. I was sore but we headed to the hospital. We brought a wheel chair. The "maze" of Cleveland Clinic & finding where to park & get through building one to the elevators, to the 3rd floor, to the skyway, over to building A, to another set of elevators, then up to floor 10, then wait (& wait... & wait...), then have your appointment, back down 7 floors, across the skyway at floor 3, back to building one, then to the ground floor, THROUGH building one to the elevators, head down under the street (wheel chair friendly), through the tunnel, up the elevators to the 3rd level of the parking garage... can be tiring to a healthy person let alone exhausting to a person on the mend.

Thursday: Jim's step-mom planned having a large meal for Thanksgiving. I've never celebrated Thanksgiving so I felt awkward. There was a local Turkey Trot in Downtown Cleveland. I've never done a Turkey Trot; so I tried that, too. I never stay for post-race festivities & there were no pre-race festivities that I felt warm enough to enjoy (music outside); so, all-in-all, it was "just a race".

I had a pretty good pace. I was just going to run it but picked up the pace. It was a RACE, after all. I started heaving in the last 1/2 mile. I really need to do speed work so I can resolve & avoid this on race day!!! 43rd out of 153 in my age group. I was told: "You really don't look like a runner." (-Great! Thanks I told the smoker man... )
 

At some point I picked up a germ & have been fighting being sick since we got home. I'm the only driver, currently, in the family. Life is in full swing, again, this week & I'm trying to add running back into the mix. I'm tired & sore but feeling good!

5 miler on Friday, then I pushed Jim in a wheel chair around the zoo to see the lights. It was very cold & very tiring getting him up & down those long ramps. He has lost more weight but pushing & pulling 170 pounds around the zoo is still a work out.

Saturday was all about work, office work & housework. Snow, Sunday morning, so I HAD to run, today. I couldn't miss the 1st snowfall! I packed up Lucy & we headed to Oak Openings. The trees were beautiful! I've always said winter running is like running in a snow globe. The snow was puffy & packed to every branch on every tree, every leaf-- above & below. I forgot my caffeine. My phone got too cold & shut off. I had no music & no more camera... but Lucy & I had a beautiful time.

I came home & got ready for a planning meeting with fellow Glass City Marathon Ambassadors. It's a group that loves to run & promote the sport- especially locally. I count it a privilege to be in the group.


Now, I get ready to check employee's work for the weekend & take the girls to watch a movie with my sister.

Jim had a tough couple of days but is recouping from Friday's mileage & increase in pace. He needs to be reminded how far he's come, sometimes. I know it's easy to see how far you have to go... rather than how far you've come. 2 weeks before his 1 1/2 mile walk he was barely going 2,000 feet! He used a cane & before that he was barely able to get around with a walker.


We are both on the road, again; & I appreciate that we have the opportunity to each share our comeback story. --Everyone loves a happy ending...

 Entry to win a FREE registration to one of the Glass City Marathon races is available at Ambassador Dean's blog:

http://www.runninginthefatlane.com/2015/11/gcm-race-entry-giveaway-starts-now.html

AND THE WINNERS ARE: Bonnie Lynn & adrienna! If you weren't randomly picked--> no worries! There are many weeks to try again for that free registration! Your next opportunity to win is through fellow Ambassador Dean: http://www.runninginthefatlane.com/

His giveaway is from November 13-19th.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Another day, another chance to enter and win a free registration to a GCM race! Win a free entry to one of the following: Mercy Health Glass City Marathon Owens Corning Half Marathon or the Medical Mutual Glass City 5k (Please note this raffle does not include an individual entry for the Yark 5-Person Relay Marathon or Findley Davies Kid's Marathon.)

This morning, as I woke up to get ready for a race, I thought: "What am I doing? I'm tired; it's dark; I want to climb back into bed; I'm not ready for this race..." THEN... I thought how I would REGRET not racing... how I would miss the thrill of crossing the start line & the finish line... how my first race "back" might as well be this one. I thought of how silly I would feel wearing a Wonder Woman outfit... I'm no Wonder Woman. Then I thought of how GREAT I'd feel wearing that Wonder Woman outfit-- how far I've come... I knew I would probably not feel confident or strong "during" the race; but I reassured myself that any race since Jim has been home was inevitable-- it might as well be THIS race. Such is the constant battle that goes through my head before every race & training run-- the struggle between feeling selfish, being responsible, taking care of myself & wondering "why?" I don't know if I will EVER be a confident runner but toeing the start line quiets some of the talk in my head. It puts me in an uncomfortable situation that makes it less uncomfortable "next time". Racing helps me see what I could potentially do differently, better or compare where I've been. Crunching numbers: pace, weather temps, weight, breakfast, etc & planning my next starting line...

Do you want to win a free entry to a GCM race? Click below to win a free entry to one of the following: Mercy Health Glass City Marathon Owens Corning Half Marathon or the Medical Mutual Glass City 5k (Please note this raffle does not include an individual entry for the Yark 5-Person Relay Marathon or Findley Davies Kid's Marathon.) a Rafflecopter giveaway

Shortie 4 miler with Lucy. It's like being tethered to a tank sometimes; but, it's good for her despite my frustration at the pace. I have to get her prepped for some upcoming races, too. It was a bit humid for her, today. She struggled. I tell myself that whatever the pace... it's still good for me, too. Between being a nurse & waitress at home, I'm also a taxi driver for three. It's getting easier but my running took a hit. As Jim becomes stronger, my runs will get longer. As my daughters learn to drive themselves, I'll spend less time "on the road" in a car & on my feet-- all in good time...

'Tis the season to be planning your 2016 race schedule! To help motivate you and create excitement, race registrations for the: Mercy Health Glass City Marathon, Owens Corning Half Marathon or the Medical Mutual Glass City 5k are scheduled to be GIVEN AWAY November through December through the Glass City Marathon Ambassadors!

Feel free to read their bios & watch for a chance to win an entry to any race of your choice. Details provided, soon!

November 6-12- Sarah Speer- http://glasscitymarathon.org/glass-city-marathon-official-sponsor-list/glass-city-ambassadors/sarah-olvera-speer/

 

November 13-19- Dean Whitmire-   http://glasscitymarathon.org/glass-city-marathon-official-sponsor-list/glass-city-ambassadors/dean-whitmire/

 

November 20-November 26- Lisa Willford- http://glasscitymarathon.org/glass-city-marathon-official-sponsor-list/glass-city-ambassadors/lisa-willford/

 

November 27-December 3- Jes Taylor- http://glasscitymarathon.org/glass-city-marathon-official-sponsor-list/glass-city-ambassadors/jes-taylor/

 

December 4-10- Tom Silva- http://glasscitymarathon.org/glass-city-marathon-official-sponsor-list/glass-city-ambassadors/tom-silva/

 

Amanda Schwartz- D​ecember 11-17 http://glasscitymarathon.org/glass-city-marathon-official-sponsor-list/glass-city-ambassadors/amanda-schwartz/

COMPLETELY face planted when trail running... Don't wear sunglasses in the dappled shaded woods!!!

I'm reading a recommended book to help me get a grip on nerves- on race day. I borrowed it from the library but eventually bought it from Amazon because I don't get a chance to sit & read much-- plus I wanted to underline/highlight/make notes as needed. Within the first few pages, it struck a chord. I've overcome a lot, solo, to start running. Most of these obstacles were mentally imposed by family, self & tradition. I felt guilty for so long... & always beat myself up. While... I've enjoyed running, part of me continues to feel guilty EVERY time I go out thinking I'm abandoning religious traditions & schedules. Life is hard enough without more guilt. Eventually I move into a "zen" & it all melts away. Add a race to the mix & I'm a nervous wreck. As I proceeded reading today, I realized I enjoy the process of trail running over the race of trail running. I enjoy seeing dragonflies, wildflowers, mushrooms, spiderwebs, reflections on the water, changing colored leaves & speckled shadows. As Woodstock approaches, I am sad I won't be doing my 50K. I'm coming back from injury & will stick with a shorter race. I am nervous about the race & yet part of me just really loves the route! I will only be doing the 1/2 marathon but for this flat lander, the route is a bit treacherous. I have never gotten hurt but I take my time to climb over fallen trees not jump them. I walk up "Mt. Everest" after mile 8-ish. I will TRY to remember to enjoy the journey-- because I do. I enjoy the PROCESS of training but have a love-hate with the clock. I'm grateful to be able to toe the line at all.

In the words of the famous athlete, Willie Nelson: "On the road, again... Just can't wait to get on the road, again... The life I love is running miles with my friends... & I can't wait to get on the road, again..." 6 miles-- no brace- no tape
1/2 marathon in less than 2 weeks! I need to get back what I've lost, training wise! But I'm on the road, again!

I have another 1/2 in a couple of weeks. I'm getting a bit nervous about my low mileage & not being able to run them, yet. I was able to walk-gimp a couple of trail miles, today, with no brace. While the doctor gave the ok to run, the ligaments are still very sore! I got a few good "ouch" moments as I got full range of motion on a couple of missteps. I paid for a race & I plan to attend it-- but running may not be possible. Just ONCE I would like to do a race at 100% healthy. I don't know what that would feel like-- except complete elation...

Camelbak Circuit review: can be used as a vest with small "backpack" for storage because the bladder is completely removable! My old Camelbak was not like this- it was strictly for holding liquids. Interior of vest is an almost fabric mesh- breathable & not abrasive to my most delicate INKnBURN fabrics. (Mind you this was a short hike. Will test on my longer runs as well.) Bottom chest strap is elastic. I see no abrasive wear marks on my shirt. Top chest strap is a heavier nylon fabric but I still see no wear marks on my shirt. 2 front easily accessible/drawstring pockets were good for small handhelds & I didn't even use the front zippered pouch or elastic mesh pouch/pocket. Side stabilizing straps are also made of straps are also made of nylon & have ample room for adjustments. Left or right side option for feeding out the hose from back pack. I'm not completely sold until I take this baby on a few long runs on the trail-- but I suspect it will held up just fine. Life time guarantee doesn't surprise me-- it's well made. I like the colors, too.

Ugh! Hurt again & trying not to be totally bummed & feeling sorry for myself. Training was going well. It was to be "year of the ultra." I'm done planning for an ultra. I get hurt too often.

I reflect on Jim laughing when I told him I wanted to start running. I was so mad that he laughed in disbelief & told me I couldn't. In hindsight he said it was because I get hurt a lot "no offense".

The original mom that encouraged me to run said that she didn't know of anyone that got hurt more than me. So what is it? Why am I getting hurt more than others? Is it my complete lack of training & experimenting with my limits because I don't know I'm "not supposed to"? Am I really that awkwardly accident prone? Am I genetically inferior or muscularly imbalanced that makes me injury prone?

I was tired of laying around & may have overdid it, yesterday- going to work, trying to do yard work & clean the garage. I figured if Jim was working, we should equally be putting forth effort at home. I felt my ankle "give" & almost fell down. I was on crutches later that evening.

Today I am "ibuprofened", a brace & crutches.

I need to chill. I have work & life... & races still coming up. I need to realistically decide what my course of action will be. I see friends do trail runs with extreme elevation. I see extreme mileage being performed. I see multiple races being accomplished in a week by many. Why can't I do it, too? I should be grateful I can heal & try again... but seriously... why am I getting hurt in the first place? Is it really my tracking from my hip, still? --No answers of why it moves out of location except that I'm putting "excessive stress" from increased miles... I had trauma from having kids & my dog "torqueing" me a few years, ago. 

I don't want to be an immobile-heavy set- kids embarrassed of me- mom riddled with medical problems. I'd rather be the energetic mom kicking miles & telling stories of races! For now, I'm the gritting my teeth mom, on crutches, eating ice cream... dreaming & planning my next trail race.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve...

I knew my foot was sore after Friday's miles. Saturday my ankle was sore. I opted to tape, ibuprofen & run my race, Sunday, anyways. I struggled & I'm paying for it, now. My ankle & top of my foot have been swollen & extremely tender. Compression helps, temporarily. There is no bruising but there is no flexion, either. I have a 5K, this Saturday; but I don't see how this will be possible. I will focus on healing & once again getting my mileage back up for next month's 1/2 marathon in Cleveland. I doubt I will be ready for a 50K in September. I may just have to do another 1/2 at Woodstock then my full in Detroit. It's not the end of the world but I don't know of anyone that gets hurt more than me...

Call him a glutton for punishment but Jim offered to come with me, again, for the last of my failed miles, yesterday.

A FB friend posted this article.  3 Running-Form Tips to Make You Faster  I read & tried.

EPIC! I was amazed at how loose my hips felt! I was cruising!!! SO much better than earlier!

True Sarah-fashion: hurt my ankle; but I didn't realize it until, later. Started running "cold" & "fast".

Gimping today & planning tomorrow's 1/2 marathon. I suspect Ibuprofen will be part of my breakfast.

Ate some tangerines this morning before my run. I got in my own head, today. It wasn't good. I did 12 of my 16 miles-- & they were pretty rough. At 81* I was toast. I don't know how my fellow runners run in this heat! Bleh! After it cools, I figured I'd try to get my last 4, this evening with Lucy: good for her/good for me. I literally broke down & cried, today. I felt like a wimp & barked at Jim. He was talking about shirt designs & designing & making my own water/hydration vest. I just STOPPED. "I can NOT talk about this right now. It is taking everything I have to be out, here... I don't know what's wrong with me..." then I proceeded to cry & heave along the trail. It was lovely... & I felt like a jerk... I apologized repeatedly... but it was everything to be moving- not holding a conversation, about what else I need to be doing, too. :( I FEEL physically sick & drained. I woke this way. I don't suspect it was the heat as much as it was myself. This is where my insecurities stem from-- a bomb run following any ego building runs, prior. IF, IF, IF I could get my nutrition nailed down... life would be better...

If, if, if I could control my mind-- well-- that would perfect. Wouldn't it?

I worked, last night, came home, ate & stayed up to watch an Adam Sandler movie. I KNEW I wouldn't wake up early to run but was OK with it. I need to get acclimated to the heat for some pretty warm races coming up, soon. I was so out of it, I forgot to take caffeine. I negatively questioned if I could get it done but brought none with me. (I take caffeine pills. I don't drink coffee, tea or colas- just can't choke the tastes.) Jim rode his bike & we did 3-ish mile loops on the Brown trail at Oak Openings because it has a lot of shade. It made it tolerable & the parts with no shade were REALLY hot! I DID take my inhaler & I suspect that is what carried me through. My strategy was 2 small tangerines for breakfast & a Tailwind drink at every mile. It worked! 7 miles at a moderate pace-- done!

(I look like I have old lady shoes! I promise they are Newtons.)

Do you remember that moment when you called yourself a runner? I had been running for a few years but didn't feel comfortable calling myself a runner. Going from being a power lifter to a runner, I didn't have the runner's physique, so I usually dressed in baggy men's clothing. Since I became an INKnBURN ambassador, I've embraced the title of "runner" mostly because I'm wearing beautifully designed clothes that fit so much better. The clothes are bright, have pushed me from the background and have given me a confidence I have never had before... I am embracing bold colors, skull designs, Buddha (a BIG deal in my religious family) and other racially identifying designs. I've been told I wear my heart on my sleeve at times. Now, I wear all kinds of emotions on my "sleeves!" Title of runner gladly accepted!

Detroit is my Litmus test. Last year, I was undertrained & knew it going in. I did it, anyways. It was my worst marathon to date-- however, considering how "broken" I was, I am proud I finished. I am optimistic for this year. Training is going better.

 

I am being asked to man the Detroit expo-Glass City marathon booth! That would be cool! I'm booth nervous & excited! I'm not sure what this entails; but, I am willing to help & gain experience. I am hoping not to man the booth, solo.

 

I wish I wasn't the only runner in my house. It gets lonely being excited about this stuff by myself. No one else understands my pre-race jitters, my desire to plan, the deciding of a race because of race bling, the love-hate feeling at the start line & wanting to avoid late nights... It gets lonely pounding miles, solo... but I am grateful I receive no opposition, either...

 

So-- I plan Detroit. I plan Woodstock. I plan Glass City... other 5K's & 1/2 marathons that come up are extra bling...

 

The race schedule is shaping up. Miles to go...

The Glass City Marathon race results came in the mail, this week. There was an article about the ambassadors, that I appreciated... but I REALLY wanted to run, this year. A fluke/ random/accidental kicking of footstool while visiting family took me out of the game for two months-- right BEFORE this race. --I ended up course marshaling instead of racing this year. I was quite heart broken. My sister lifted my spirits when she offered to come course marshal with me. We cheered, directed runners, cow belled, musicated the air, hugged runners, high-5'ed and overall laughed. In reflection, if anyone was going to help me feel better-- my sister was a great antidote. She's younger than me but as she tells everyone: "She's taller & cuter."

20 miler on the schedule, yesterday-- I only made 18. I held out for a good (for me pace) for 10 miles... then slowed a bit. By 13-14 I was thirsty for water & only had Tailwind drink in my Camelbak. (I seriously need a new hydration pack where I can carry both.) I walk ran then walked. At mile 16, I passed the section of trail I was going to take for a mile then back for my 20. I just kept walking. Jim came out on his bike & thankfully had water. I slurped then lady-like burped.

I started my run, solo. I'm used to it. When I reached the turn around point, the sun was still low, behind me. I saw my shadow with bouncing, swaying ponytail. I smiled knowing I wasn't "alone". I was running with my shadow! Then I thought I was crazy because I personified an inanimate object... Such is "monkey brain" during a run. I quickly moved on to other subjects in my mind.

A cat came from the underbrush & kept me company for awhile then disappeared. I saw a snake & the usual chipmunks, squirrels, birds, butterflies, dragonflies, wild flowers & miscellaneous jewel toned bugs.

I didn't earn this picture, yet. This was me at mile +17. I was still thinking I may run (walk) past my van for a mile, then back. I didn't. --I wouldn't skip eating on race day. I don't know why I thought I could do it, yesterday. Part of me was confident in Tailwind drink and wanted to experiment before race day. I know, now-- stick to morning food, Tailwind for nutrition... bring water... take caffeine with more calories!

 I'll try again next week. Slow miles at the end but I live to tell the tale & run another day...

7 mile run, yesterday. I'm biting at the bit to get out there, today; but I have to get some work done in my office before I head out to work. I'm trying to "rest" before tomorrow.

Long run, tomorrow-- I have butterflies-- as usual. My INKnBURN clothing helps me put on my game face. It gives me a confidence that I didn't have before... I have Tailwind to keep me powered through my miles & Newtons to protect my tootsies. I know I can do it & still doubt if I can do it. I picked tomorrow for a long run, as the weather will be a bit cooler than Friday or any time over the weekend.

This is what happened, yesterday. It was a surprise & a great story, afterwards. :) The trails are adventurous & enjoyable- always-- despite bugs, thorns, mud or downed trees.

I have two big races this Fall & both will take a toll. I have my first 50K ultra trail run in September. I haven't signed up "officially". I have my hotel room and have the date set aside but I am scared. *Butterflies just typing this* I also have a road marathon in Detroit- less miles but pounding pavement for 26.2 miles is tough... I have my registration and room, already, for Detroit. In the meantime, I prepare by running on both terrains.

I "should be" and "could be" doing more but that is always the case. I'm in a better place than I was, last year in my training.

I have things in place that I didn't have EVER before-- I am nervously optimistic...

I love when people honestly express their mental transformation as well as their struggle with trying to learn to run.

When I first heard about this woman on the news, I wasn't impressed or thrilled with her actions of taking selfies with unsuspecting male runners. Then I learned her story:

Her story episode #1:  Run Selfie Repeat 1

 

Her story episode #2: Run Selfie Repeat 2

I learned I was good at art "late" in high school. I had a great teacher that helped me accomplish a lot in 3 years. I "knew nothing" about papers, charcoal, different types of paints, pencils, etc. I eventually started accumulating my own supplies. As we had kids, I hoped they would be artistic & I vowed to expose them to everything I had- supply wise. I even bought them their own easels! They're still in their boxes-- waiting.

I LOVE seeing our girls, now. All the suggestions I gave... to "try" different mediums fell on deaf ears-- BUT-- just having the supplies available to them was an invitation. Hannah is more adventurous than Jillian. She asked if she could do a watercolor this week. Absolutely!!! I've been stock piling for such an occasion! While her subject matter isn't what I would have chosen, it's tight, bright and fabulous so far. Jillian is still attached to pen & pencil --but taking college art classes this year-- we'll see what she dabbles in...

I took them to Michaels's craft store yesterday for some puppet supplies for Hannah. We walked out with art books, face paint, marionette supplies, paint & pens. --Love me a couple of artsy girls!

Took the girls to the mall, yesterday. I love spending time with them. While we went to take some copper mugs to get engraved, Hot Topic was high on the priority list for a visit, too. We got a few items for school & some sugar skull Star Wars stickers for me. We looked through a few more stores ranging from Disney to Aeropostales. As we "splurged" and actually ate in the food court, we had some serious & not so serious conversations... I look forward to those moments.

On the car ride home- just to keep them talking, I explain the puppy I saw the other day- a small, puffy Husky- on a leash with two young boys. I explain how he was sniffing & tugging on the leash.

Seeing Hannah had her headset on, I ask her: "What would you have named it if it was your dog, Hannah?"
(Rather irritated that I interrupt her music, she takes off her headset. I repeat the question & she graciously plays along with the conversation.) H: "That depends. Are you talking a grown dog or a puppy? I have a name; but what would you name it, first?"
Me (blurting without hesitation a ridiculous answer): "Huskers"
--silence--
Jillian: "And this is why we don't consult you..."
We all laughed & discussed appropriate puppy names for gray dogs (Gandalf the Gray), large & small dogs (Mort) and pugs... :)

As long as they can talk to me about "anything", I hope they will...

I am not a "baby" person. Some people LOVE babies. In my opinion, they are a lot of work with little "payback" & little sleep! When the girls started interacting with us & they were able to communicate with me- even slightly- I started falling in love with them.

As they become young teens, I enjoy seeing the world from their perspective. They certainly have more opportunities than I had at their age. I enjoy their company and I enjoy laughing & working with them.

I say they are good people, not as a biased mom, but as an honest, frank person. I look forward to seeing what they become.

 

Commemorative pictures of me & Lucy running in the rain. There was a time I HATED running. Then when I was running, I HATED running in the rain. I didn't like dogs, either, couldn't stand people that took selfies & would NEVER wear skulls!!! -Now, running in the rain is playtime, Lucy is my always up for a trek running buddy, selfies are my documentation & skulls are new to the wardrobe...

Last night, when I was at work, Jim took the girls to county judging for their Hunting-Wildlife projects. Both got a blue ribbon- meaning their books were filled out well & completely. They each met standards (went past minimum standards) of meeting requirements, demonstrations, community service, leadership skills and learning activities. A county representative will be selected to represent Fulton county. It may be one of our girls-- or not-- but this is the first year they've competed against each other in the same age group. We will be supportive whomever is picked.

Today Hannah went to get her puppet project judged. This was a whim of a project "just to try". Hannah is a great fabricator & very creative. She immediately chose marionettes. She researched history, influence, etc. I was surprised to learn entire operas were dedicated to marionettes in the 18th century. Puppets could perform acts on stage that were deemed inappropriate for human actors. I always learn from their 4-H projects! -As I suspected, she did extremely well & came out with a blue ribbon. It seemed there was no one competing in that project so I'm guessing that's an automatic county winner.

As for Jillian's sewing project, sadly, we will not finish that by judging, tomorrow. We've been a bit busy planning National Shooting Competitions & college entrance. We didn't finish it early... but we have until September for our own county fair.

I am so happy to have the girls in 4-H. We've kept busy over the summer & have done activities as a family.

Waiting for county results then we may plan a state fair trip...