I'm fighting guilt. Hindsight is 20/20 but hindsight is definitely not always merciful. Apparently Jim's decline this month is "still" pancreatitis. Acute pancreatitis is what landed him in the hospital in September. His multiple organ failures were eventually resolved. What landed Jim in the hospital again, yesterday, is chronic pancreatitis. Basically, his pancreas is damaged from "round one" & he  will probably have bouts with it for the rest of his life.

While Jim's pancreas was "waking up" & beginning to make insulin, again, added injections were sending Jim's sugar too low- dangerously low. Doctors  (plural) said he "probably didn't need the insulin, anymore"- that his pancreas was coming back online, too. A blood test was suggested by the Cleveland doctor- to be done at home, by our primary care physician- to confirm if he really didn't need insulin, anymore. Jim's local doctor said we could get the test done --- or --- we could monitor for a month & give him our numbers. Jim promised but didn't follow through with checking, daily. I reminded him a few times but eventually dropped it. Jim was irritated & tired of being poked & prodded & he didn't want me reminding him of what he was "supposed" to do. I didn't want to be a nag so I dropped it when Jim told me he could tell if he was "low" or "high". I believed him because my experience is that I can tell if my sugar gets weird.

Yesterday: his breathing had been labored for a couple of days. I tried to sneak in a couple of calls to his doctor & Cleveland Clinic- to see what was normal, dangerous & to-the-ER-life-threatening-critical. I DID tell Jim that I got no answers. After worrying about his breathing & Jim still refusing to commit to letting me make an appointment, I saw him vomit. To my surprise, he still wouldn't admit to feeling really bad. He just wanted to lay in bed & drink water (lots of water)- not eat, couldn't make it to the bathroom without extreme effort- but still he just wanted to be left alone. I seriously didn't think he'd make it until Monday to get him to his primary care physician. I told Jim we should go to the hospital. Maybe they would give us a prescription for low blood pressure... maybe they would give him a few hours & an IV for fluids. He was irritated but I got him dressed. When it came to getting him to the van- he wouldn't. He just kept laying down on the bed asking for a few more minutes, telling me he was sick. I finally said, "I know. You've been sick for weeks. I can't let you stay here. You need to get to the van or I'm calling the ambulance & they're going to take you." (A mere 'threat'.) "Do what you have to do..." & he rolled over. During that interaction, however I noted his speech- delayed, slurred or at times unresponsive. I did eventually call 911 because I couldn't carry Jim to the van. Upon arrival they confirmed his sugar was almost 800.

Had his sugar been high all month? Was this the reason his appetite was gone? Is this why he's lost so much weight? Is this why he was so dizzy & sleepy? All the signs were there in front of me that he was sliding backwards. Why wasn't I more forceful to get him in?! -His two doctors had told him it was ok- he was going to have some bad weeks- but one week was two weeks, then three weeks.

I could blame Jim for all of this. That would be easy. His leaving Cleveland Clinic was dependent on his assuming the responsibility of monitoring his blood sugar. I wanted him to go to a rehab facility because I KNEW the responsibility level of daily monitoring. I couldn't. I had kids to drive around all day. I wouldn't be home to monitor him. He seemed clear & determined so I acquiesced. He agreed to the release terms, I didn't- BUT- he was right in front of me getting weaker & weaker losing weight.

When a person is too sick to make a clear choice, it's your responsibility to do it for them. I had "suggested" a doctor visit. I insisted... but I didn't get forceful- until yesterday.

We lost a month of life & pounds off Jim's frame- not to mention damage internally- because I refused to lock horns. Ironically, when I did raise my voice, Jim scolded me, "Look at you! You're yelling at a sick man."

So why do I feel so guilty? I tried throughout the month to get him to eat- to check his sugar- to get to the doctor... Why am I frustrated? I go to the hospital & try to be helpful; yet I'm met with *sighs*. I am met with curt responses. Inside I'm saying: "I just saved your life TWICE! How about a thank you?!" but I can't get mad because he is still out of it.

"When a person is too sick to make a clear choice, it's your responsibility to do it for them."

So I remember this when I'm met with curt irritation. The guilt is because I  didn't follow through with my responsibility, sooner.

We had a blunt talk with the doctor from the ICU. I was extremely open about my frustration on the lack of guidance I had. He said Jim will not "feel" when his sugar is high until it's too late. "You HAVE to treat your pancreas as if you are insulin dependent. You HAVE to check your sugar, everyday." He will give scales & numbers to correlate with Jim's sugar numbers- finally! No vague instructions.

Jim responded to the insulin drip. His blood sugar came down but not without affecting his liver numbers & ammonia level again. They are monitoring & treating this as I type.

I hope we're on the greener side of the well-defined fence, now-- & NOT going back... to guilt or regret...