I "raced", today. Cleveland races are always challenging to this flat lander. I went in viewing this as mileage for training, more than a race. The weather was 79 degrees with 99% humidity at 5AM. I knew I may walk-- I did. I was hoping not to, but made it to mile 7 before walking. I walk-ran to the finish. I realize that I need to ramp my road mileage & add another running day or I'm never going to be happy with my race times. I'm doing enough to finish races but not enough do "well" during longer distances.

I saw a sign on the Internet, today (which prompted this blog post) saying: "World's Okayest Runner." It's true. While I embraced the fact that I am able to do more than I could during my teen years, I'm tired of that thought.  I've tried to inspire non-runners to see that  the sport is possible for anyone. Now, some of the people I've encouraged  have "passed  me." I am happy for anyone that improves-- really-- but the mom in me wants the world to be "fair." I want running to be naturally easy for me, too. If I start running before them, shouldn't my advancement be linear as well? At less than 5 feet tall, I never thought of playing basket ball. It wasn't what I was handed in the genetic "cards." I'm cool with it. Running however-- it's a hard pill to swallow when you "want it" & others genetically have the cards (gait, biomechanics, foot strike, etc) that naturally make the sport easier for them. While I KNOW this, my heart still hurts. You can call it jealousy-- because it is in every aspect of the  definition of the word. Busting my butt will  yield me being "average". I don't get emotional over much-- but for this, I'm desirous. As I reflect on most women my age, I realize that physically, I'm not average-- so the battle in my head continues: change what I can, work with what I have & be content... or try harder to change it.

So, one race humbled me & emboldened me. This story is going to get interesting...

INKnBURN interview about Jim's recovery

I have read this article over & over & OVER, again, today. I cry EVERY TIME!!! I didn't allow myself to cry "then"-- it was too distracting. A clear head was needed to make decisions & also needed to talk to doctors. Schlumping into a pile wouldn't help anyone. --Now, that Jim is out of the woods, we are sharing his most vulnerable time. Maybe a comeback isn't possible in every case; but, in this case, the odds of pulling through were low. Our hope is to show that as long as you're alive (even with assistance)... if you're chances are "low"... comebacks are not impossible.

Runners are a pretty supportive group- inspiring others to try, not give up, try plan B... try plan C... try plan D... TRY! This article is hopefully motivating to others in multiple ways. The blog mentions one mom that wanted me to try running-- when I didn't think I "could". I TRY to share this story as often as I can. It helps people see that sometimes you can do stuff you never dreamed were possible. I HOPED Jim's recovery was possible. 

I told a runner mom that I couldn't run. "I'm a weightlifter! Weightlifters don't run. We're too heavy & we're too slow." *My excuse-- so I'm off the hook, right?* A recent quote in this blog (about unnamed Thais McClain Whitehurst): "Sarah continued to lift with James, but it was a runner–a mother at her children’s elementary school–who inspired her to give running a try. “Despite me telling her many times that I couldn’t run, she kept telling me that yes, I can. She never let me have the last word and she planted a seed: what if I could?” Sarah decided she would try running and told James. While he wasn’t thrilled with the idea, it didn’t take long before James was trying it himself. Soon, he was running with Sarah." --It was that new activity that conditioned his lungs for the most difficult endurance event of his life-- fighting for his life. While Jim was muscular, it would be his heart & lungs doing most of the work to facilitate his recovery. He had multiple organ failures. One organ would affect another & they Domino'ed out of control. After 19 days of a coma, they were successful in waking Jim up. His condition was still bleak but he was awake! Then the real work began!

Betsy McCort, Jim's family in Cleveland, was so supportive, allowing us to stay at their home while we visited Jim in the hospital. Retired biology professor, Tom McCort, helped IMMENSELY- putting all of the hospital abbreviations, test results, numbers, etc into layman's terms so I could make decisions for Jim when he couldn't. After 5 weeks in two hospitals, Jim was supposed to go to a rehab facility. He couldn't sit up in bed; he couldn't eat; he couldn't do much... but he wanted to come home. I didn't blame him-- but I knew I wasn't qualified for what would take place. We muddled through. Two more hospital visits in four more months would eventually show Jim had residual infection in his abdomen. A regiment of strong antibiotics FINALLY kicked what was making him so sick!!! --Now the ultimate comeback...? Would it be possible? We would TRY... and guess what... it worked...

Pic 1: Jim, in the hospital- April 2016- after they finally found & treated his infection.  Pic 2: Thin & weak- but back in the gym a couple of weeks after getting out of the hospital.Pic 3: More stability- eating & gaining strength. Pic 4: Blood work check up: multiple stabs to check all his numbers :) Good report! August 2I don't know WHAT will happen in the future. I do know we made it through a rough storm & we're a tighter knit family... I hope this story helps others to HOPE when their own life gets rough. I HOPE... this never happens, again...

Me: Ugh! I really need to eat better! I need to lose this! (belly)
Jim: Momma, you're fine. You're not going to lose that skin. You've had babies.
Me: No, there's fat there, too.
Jim: Not much. You're not fat.
Me: (Music to a woman's ears!) Awwww, Babe, I love you!

Another trip to UT, yesterday, to talk to Jillian's success coach, look into programs, aid, discuss scholarships, tutoring programs, deadlines, etc. Her success coach was floored & excited looking at her ACT scores & grades. His excitement was contagious. His talking about money to attend UT, made ME excited. 😆 "At this point, with these scores, if you declared your major to be pre-med, you would be guaranteed a spot!" Jillian's face was priceless! "Really...?" then the smirk... & full smile. I was so happy for her! She DOES want to pursue science; but she's not sure if it will be biochemistry, marine biology, or some other unknown scientific passion. Art is a talent that may come in handy if she illustrates medical books-- yes, she's that good.

I am SO happy for her options! This trip was for "me" to get a game plan for her... & translate it (eventually) to a working plan for Hannah. They will do the work; but if it is a team effort (started early) then college, close to home, is the start... & who knows...

I remember being pregnant on the couch & Jim asking what we were going to do for school. "She's not even born, yet!!!" I thought it was silly to plan that far ahead-- but we always were. We planned their room, the delivery, school- kind of... We had a tentative loose plan of a "direction" but the girls have made it their own. We talked about local college years then moving farther away when they felt ready. I didn't really think we'd get this far even though you discussed it, planned for it, expected it...

And, now, here we are. Two with one foot in high school, the other in college. Transition time for all of us.

Weeks since I've posted on this blog-- mostly because I have a new Apple computer that is taking such a learning curve to do EVERYTHING... that it's frustrating. All of my artsy programs are in my old computer. All of my bookmarked/favorite sites are on my old computer. My accounting software is not easily transferred to my new computer. It's just frustrating... but not impossible... So hopefully, I'm blogging from my phone. --Last time I did this (for weeks), I presumed it was my blog. My posts are floating on Google but didn't show up here. We'll try, again. :)

I am writing to say that I was chosen with some local people to, again, represent & promote the Glass City Marathon. I am over the moon excited! I am no elite; but most runners aren't. I am an often injured, continually trying, mid packer. I share my good & bad trial & error experiences so that others learn as I learn. (Hopefully, you don't have to touch the stove to know the concept of "hot"... if I try to explain it.)  As I train or try new stuff, I'm candid if I fail or succeed. Hopefully others can adjust & find a life lesson.

Today is mom stuff, work & weightlifting. Tomorrow, I run. I wish I was one of those people that can run every day & not get hurt... but I tend to hurt myself just walking down the hallway.

I hope no one figures out I'm clumsy. 😜 More than likely, with my tell-all, my reputation is already established. 😆

Average mom reporting to promote the Glass City Marathon...

I cannot express how much a person can hold it together & then suddenly (emotionally) feel so fried!

I am an advisor for the girls' 4-H group.  I cut our losses & just opted to FINISH project books before our county fair, in September. Anyone that has been involved in 4-H knows that county judging & interviews to represent your county at the state fair-- is a BIG DEAL! We skipped it this year.

We missed so much with Jim being sick... we didn't have nearly as many activities as years past, to finish our books & to get judged "early" to be a state representative. It was difficult to go to Columbus in years past... but they were ribbons (& titles) the girls could "show" at the fair, locally, later. I feel like I let them down... yet I know in the big scheme of life-- having their dad with us trumps a county title & a ribbon to show at the fair. --I KNOW this... yet feel like I should have pushed a bit harder. And yet I am RELIEVED I don't have the pressure of rescheduling work & having to drive HOURS to get to Columbus.

As Jim has regained strength, I feel emotional. It is difficult to explain. I was so task oriented: juggling the girls, work, the house & Jim (almost a child, again), I wouldn't let myself "think""what if" too much. Now, I am thinking "what if" all of the time! What if I took the girls to Nebraska by myself? What would Jim's birthday or our anniversary date be like surviving without him? It is unnecessary, yet I go there often, now. What if we didn't have the higher deductible, we do? How many bills could I have paid off? I find myself thinking about money, a lot, as doctor bills arrive separately & each expects to get paid, immediately. Somehow, we survive-- but the narrowed vision I had is expanding & I see a broader vision of our life, again. I suspect the anxiety I am feeling is from noticing "the big picture", again.

I continue to juggle; but all I want to do, today, is sleep.

I was reading an article about protecting "space" around people that need it. After months of protecting my family, I'm fried. I kinda' lost it on them all, today. Jillian needs a booster shot before entering high school. They won't let her BACK to school without it. We scheduled it for today & because she hates shots; she didn't want to go. I told her to pick another date. She has no clue what is involved & randomly picks dates that don't work in conjunction with other things on our schedule. I yell. Jim calmly says, "Can't you just take her, today?" ME?! (I am a bit livid, now.) I give an irritated chuckle & say, "No... I will have to wait, there; &, I have to go to WORK, tonight..." I am the main breadwinner, now. Yes, Jim is busy at home. Yes, he is making meals & doing yard work. Yes, I am enjoying extra sleep since I am not driving the girls to school over summer break... but I shouldn't have to do it all.  Jim "realizes" what has been "said" & tells Jillian to get ready. She also realizes the gravity of her actions & complies. I STILL get things ready for her & Jim. I organize getting shot records, insurance card & form to be filled out for the school. They leave quietly.

The girls certainly aren't pulling much (if any) weight at home or at work. If they were, I'd be more generous. I just laid into Hannah. She has been promising she will clean her room. She has been promising to finish her 4-H projects. She wouldn't even do a stupid survey for school until I MADE her sit in front of me & practically TOLD her what to write. She finds time do art. Great... but she won't lift a finger to find her art that she wants to enter in the fair. It was entered in an exhibit by her teacher. Where? When is the exhibit done? How do we pick it up? No answers so I contact the teacher because she won't. -More work for me to find & do because I'm "MOM". -I yelled at her... reminding her that no other parent or boss is going to cut her as much slack. She cried. She's crying now as I type. I don't believe in physical spankings but she got a verbal one. A shock of reality at home... A fast forward in life of no roommate, partner or boss catering to her when she PROMISES she will do something & doesn't. She is being held accountable to her promises. I think this is necessary... but...

I know I will feel like a HEEL in a bit admitting to all of this. I will be at work & feel guilty for being so harsh... for letting myself get to the point of lashing out... but does anyone cut me slack & even notice I'm getting to this point? I'm sad to say, they will probably notice "next time".

I am ANXIOUS. Anxious about the girls starting school & the lack of understanding they have of their future. Then I feel bad because I KNOW I didn't understand at their age. They have a mom that talks to them, though. My mom-- well that's a different blog post. I don't think they need to suffer to be appreciative of what they have... but a reality check of mom "losing" it may be just enough to be the calm (& clean up) after the storm.

I have a family to run, now. My complaints are on the table. My family is healthy & still intact. I've complained & grumbled... I've slept in. Our family is far from perfect. We survived a hell of a storm this year. I didn't realize how battered the ship was. I do, now. -Now: it's time to get geared up for a final summer push. 4-H fair, parades, school activities & schedules, college classes (x2 girls) while juggling high school & no drivers' licenses but mine-- school forms, pictures, supplies & realizing sometimes letting it "go" is the perfect way to juggle for awhile.  Guilt or no guilt-- it is done.

Now? The more jugglers, the more stuff- flying through the air. This usually makes for a more exciting show. So... we are setting the stage & raising my voice... before our next performances. I think we're "ready" to do more.

I THOUGHT I was blogging on my account from my phone... I thought I was up to date, blogging regularly about Jim's advancements & progress... Instead of SPECIFICALLY blogging, here, it's under the Google homepage. I'm not quite sure what the difference is... but it's not showing up HERE. :( Should I copy & paste each entry?

sosclean

Public

Jul 06, 2016

Below are questions (& my responses) to an interview about Jim's ordeal. It was very strange reliving the 8 month experience & summarizing it in a few paragraphs. I was so focused on tasks, that I rarely cried. I was frustrated & a few times cried from frustration. I felt hatred, once. I remember it CLEARLY. Truly fearful?
I can't remember. Sadness wasn't an accurate description of any day. Emotions ranged from frustration to anger. There was a calmness to organizing the daya false sense of control, I suspect. Now, there is true joy- not a superficial happiness. I am genuinely grateful to be alive & have my family, together.

Q: Has your passion for running and strength training played a part? If so, how?
A: When Jim came home, I was waiting on him constantly. He couldn’t sit up, eat, monitor his insulin (he was now diabetic) or change his bandages. My training became secondary to running a household but my running kept me sane. It was time that altered my mood. I was able to temporarily put down the weight of trauma & leave it in the woods. I was able to pick up responsibilities after a shower. As I think about it, I’m not sure how we did it. We just juggled the best we could.

Q: What wishes do you have for those of your family?
A: I want our girls to see a happy couple as an example if they choose marriage, someday. A couple working & exercising, together, is a great thing to witness. I want our girls to finish school & college. I want my husband to be happy & healthy. I was told that this ordeal would bring us closer together as a family. At the time, I thought it was a HORRIBLE thing to say. The stress of watching the girls try to function at school knowing their dad may die was difficult. Wondering if he would survive & adjustments that would need to be made, afterwards, were daily concerns. Now, he’s been to hell & back. Daily life seems less dramatic. -We fought, defended & survived. We depended on each other & we share the same wounds. We cried & cheered, together. Dying & surviving, together, HAS brought us closer together as a couple & a family. The doctors said Jim’s strong heart & lungs (from running) were key to his survival. I hope this story “pays it forward”. For whatever reason a person’s future looks bleak… you just can’t give up. As long as your heart is beating & you’re breathing (on your own or with assistance), you just keep hoping & fighting…

I questioned if Jim would give up during any of this ordeal. I can't imagine the fear, pain & discomfort when he woke up to a giant tube down his throat & numerous tubes in arms, thighs & neck. He was quite awake when they removed the vent tube that went down his esophagus. He had lucid dreams from the strong narcotics given him. It took awhile to convince him that many of the experiences he thought were real, weren't. He believed he had been kidnapped. He told stories that now seem far fetched to him... but we're quite real in his mind.

We pick up the pieces, now & live our altered life. We are different people. After being so close to death, life is much easier...