Rough- feeling emotional these past few days. I wasn't feeling like I could run, today, but I didn't want to blow up on Jim at home, either. He hasn't been eating. As I went from one obligation to work, then another job & another job- I didn't want to receive a text with a request to stop at the grocery store and a request for what people wanted for dinner. I don't want to come home to make food as soon as I walk in the door- but how do you say no to someone that's been starving... even if you are sure they won't eat it. I felt bad for even feeling that "if you're sick, then you probably can't eat fettuccini. If you're feeling hungry, then you are probably well enough to make yourself something to eat" - especially while I'm out busting my butt, working, with no time for myself to eat lunch.

I took it out on the trails, today, & rolled my ankle on a tree root. It rolled forward, ankle touched the dirt & I felt & heard a "crack". I yelped then stopped to cry... then I just started bawling. I've been wanting to cry the past four days. I leaned against a tree & just sobbed. I felt sorry for myself. I felt angry. I cursed at Jim for everything we've been through. I felt bad that I thought this. I just sobbed. I tried to run & couldn't. I just couldn't stop crying. I tried walking & could feel a strain at my two toes-- great. Thoughts of Jim & my mom telling me that I "couldn't" made me mad. Thoughts of people telling me how good of a person Jim is-- & remembering everything the girls & I have gone through- made me mad. I cried more. Then I thought of Jim's frail frame & the fact that he still needs a lot of help & I was frustrated. Who do I tell?! Who do I confide in? No one- I internalize... & while this has usually worked in the past, I feel an overwhelming breaking point. I stopped crying & felt nothing but physically cold in the wind.
As I made it back to the parking lot, I sat.
My face is warm in the sun & my feet are cold in my shoes. I contemplate what the day will bring, emotionally & physically. I failed at 13 miles, today. My spirit is broken. I need a shower & probably more sleep...
I don't think I can cry, anymore. I want to... I can't. I need to get home. I keep sitting. I think of the endless amount of work at home & that I will most likely be the only one capable of doing it. I think of Jim's old high school friend coming to visit, today, & the fact that my office area (in plain sight) is a complete disaster area. I contemplate what life will be like when Jim regains strength. Will old habits or new habits become "life"? Am I breaking, emotionally, temporarily, or is this the emotional pre-menopausal roller coaster I've heard about? I feel like a hot mess, right now... BUT... I've run & cried enough that I can make it through today- come hell or high water. At this point, I hope it's hell because I've got the attitude to deal with it, easily.